* * * House Fairy * * *

11 minutes to make a HouseFairy!

2011-03-23T11:27:00.001-04:00

March in Michigan...

2011-03-09T14:11:00.002-05:00

Feeling rather underwhelmed/overwhelmed today. Kinda just sitting around. Its raining on the snow, my kids are all doing stuff, building stuff, plotting, planning, chatting. They ask me for food here and there. Its just casual. I fight off the little panic attacks that usually have something to do with life not looking like I thought. We are waiting for spring. We are just about out of ways to enjoy the now. Im going out tonight and that will be a nice escape. My blue hair has faded to a blech and I think I will go re color it in a little while. Dishwasher is humming, mail might or might not be here, Rokenbok machines are whirring, Eska is totting around, Greta and Mickey laughing upstairs, Charlie obsessively checking the jello we made this morning to see if it is firm yet. Phone rings occasionally, Toll Free Call. I wash some clothes and dry some clothes and sometimes seperate and or fold some clothes. Its a cozy kind of boring. I am neither loving nor hating it. I wish I were all clean and dressed and that we could bop out somewhere...but really I dont even know where to go.
Said it before but I'll say it again: Once it is nice out, don't expect to see me indoors, ever. I am going to set up a little encampment in my yard, and be out there the entire day. My entire soul depends on it.

The truth has been revealed: I am not a hippie.

2011-03-06T22:56:00.003-05:00

I wear patchouli everyday. I named my child after a flower. I dont shave my legs too often, certainly not in the fall winter or most of spring. I have been or do go to whole foods and trader joes, and pay triple just cuz' its so fake small town-y. With the "handwritten" signs from corporate. But as sure as the day is long, I am a FAILURE as a Hippie. You know why? Because even though Sgt. Peppers is currently in my cd player in my car, I love BRAS and SHOES TOO DAMN MUCH!

Do you even comprehend how much I hate being barefoot---OUCH--glass, nails, rocks, ringworm, warts, pebbles, rust, spiders, staphylococcus---fuck that! I hate it hate it hate it! I used to run around the neighborhood barefoot, seriously, when I was a teenager, I walked all the way to my job at a pool barefoot. Didnt even hurt. WTF?! SO weird. Now I weigh a ton and my feet all all wussy and gentle. So instead of being a thin athletic teenager with leather tough feet, I am now the exact OPPOSITE of that, and therefore, I love shoes. And therefore I fail the BAREFOOT portion of the BAREFOOT BRALESS HIPPIE thing. You still with me? Good. So ponder this:
I like the sturdy, sturdy super uber clunky 90s shoes. I LOVE my Doc Martens. I have the oxford red 3 lace ones, I have black mary janes that are painfully horrifically tight because they are not unisex, but rather, girls shoes, ladies, what have you, well they only go up to a 10. And I am an 11 if not 11 1/2. OW. I also have 8 hole patent leather red Doc Marten boots that rule my life. Gorgeous fun darling you feel like some alien spacecraft barbie fashion doll when you wear them, not bad t'all :)

Recently I discovered Keen. Yummy clunky super crunked out mountain climbing-chic-- look I dont know what to call this shit but it gets me, I fuckin LOVE it, all that faux hiking shit yummmmmmy so cute. Ok so KEEN(s), Keen, I have a pair of green mary janes and a pair of clunky hiking shoe thingies. Also green. I adore and devour green articles of clothing and decor. Duh. I takes my breath away, a good green anything-- car, paint on a house, little signs, I just adore green, it is amazing. It is so hard to do green wrong, even if you go into mint which is disgusting ,but since this 80's chic just does not seem as if it will ever fucking DIE, pastel yes sadly is also back and somehow....Im falling out of hate with pastel green-- sick right? ;P

Well, green shoes, clunky shoes, hi top chucks, platform boots, combat gear, I love me a great shoe. Mmmm mmm mmm.

And now, my dears, on to Bras!
Bras, oh bras, brassieres, all those lame things like boulder holder and, ummm other things? Yes, bras, I LOVE THEE. I H A T E My boobs flailing around. It makes me puke. It is not free, it is not comfy, cozy, casual, political, it is GROSS. BLECH. shudder. I Like a very high quality bra, one that is like micro engineered, researched, cantilevered, I want it to be A M A Z I N G. Like ,armor. Fucking armor to go out there and cook meals for brats and deal with assholes in stores and drive with psychos on the roads, texting while drink driving, ARMOR to help you lift lift lift huge fat toddlers up into swings, carts, baskets, vans, carseats, high chairs, bathtubs, cribs, playpens, strollers, ergos, pouchie things---holy shit, my titties would be pulverized by some kid's shoe if I didnt have a seriously wonderful bra on! OWCH anybody?
Besides armor, both psychological and actual, the bra just--solidifies you. Or is should. I am talking about real big time bras here, not little pink thingie from Target---like big crazy cup bras, they sure help my ole fluffy moosh boobs somehow mold into a lovely round bowl, safe and ensconced, looking all but 1/2 of my actual age of nearly 36 if-ya-know-what-I-mean, I think it is just lovely and fantastic to be solidified. Lovely!

SO, thus having failed my BAREFOOT and BRALESS categories of the barefoot braless hippie, we must now all rationally conclude that I am not and cannot ever be, truly, a hippie. I admire them and love the few real ones I am lucky enough to know, I thank them for their work and vision and perfumes and big rolicky skirts that hide fucked up mom butts, truly, they're so pretty and awesome-- but Gen X, Gen Y, next gen, I dunno, but I just so NOT a hippie. and thats totally ok, cuz hippies really dig me, and I think they know Im a kindred spirit. And thats groovy.

Cleaning the cottage

2011-02-09T08:45:00.003-05:00

I am so excited about this-- we bought a "Cottage"! I am not kidding!

It is actually a mobile home, "up north", on Lake Huron. It is in a mobile home park which is definitely not trashy but much more vacation-y/resort-y. There are a few year-round residents but it is definitely mostly vacationers and summer residents.

This is something that has caught my eye on Craigslist before, I have seen them for extremely cheap, and this year I started looking before we got our tax return and sure enough, $1200. Then we went and saw it and knocked 100 bucks off the price. I am seriously so proud and amazed at the sheer potential of this in our lives!

So, it was decorated pretty crusty, and it smelled like cigarettes. I know my husband and kids were thinking "hmmmmm no..." But I, of the infinite potential seeing abilities and lifelong experience of rehabbing gross things into gorgeous things, said YES yes yes and they trusted me and the deal was done.

So, yesterday, I got to go up there all by myself (woo hoo!!!!!!) to start cleaning. It had been 4 weeks since I saw the place and my imagination had been running wild, I thought I was going to have to rip up carpets, rip down wallpaper, who knows. But it was not that bad at all. Here is what I did:

Washed every single wall and door with Hot water+Vinegar+Tea Tree Oil+Mr. Clean Citrus. It was dripping down my arms, all over the floors, which I then mopped hard with this same mixture.

Took down the sheets they had up in front of a few windows and threw them in my trunk.

Took down most of the mini-blinds and washed them in the bathtub. This was harder than I pictured because the bathtub did not have anyway to keep the water from draining out. After that they were still crusty and so I am going to be replacing those with some curtains as soon as we can budget for that. I have a great design in my head for what I want, just thinking if I could sew them myself or have a friend do it.

Scoured the kitchen and appliances with Mr Clean magic eraser, and then the hot vinegar stuff. The kitchen was actually not that dirty. I was afraid to open the fridge and it was clean! Cool. But I dropped some baking soda into it and the freezer and just left it.

Washing all the walls in the hallway and the 2 bedrooms was more work than it sounds like. but it was good work, and even though I brought a music player, I did not use it. I was in silence for hours and it was wonderful.

They left me a twin bed frame, headboard, mattress and box spring. I do not want my kids sleeping right on smoke, but I also hate to waste, so I coated it in Lavender-Baking soda. An idea from my friend Michelle, I poured a box of baking soda into a bucket and shook drops of lavender essential oil into it. "Lots"? That's my recipe :)Maybe with a good deodorizing, vacuuming and a mattress cover of some sort, it can be one of our beds!

I scoured the bathroom. Used hardcore stuff in there, Lysol spray.

Made up a total of 5 buckets of Lavender-Baking Soda and dropped handfuls of the stuff on the 2 rooms that were carpeted. They also left one chair that seemed cool, and old fashioned rocker-recliner, so I coated that in the mixture, too.

I put Lavender-Baking Soda in some of the kitchen drawers and left it.

Somehow this took 4 hours. All of a sudden I was aware that it had been dark for a long time and I packed up and headed home. The cottage is already livably clean, but there is so much more I want to do. I did not vacuum any of the baking soda, under the idea that it will just continue to soak up odors while I am away. We might go back there this weekend, maybe one adult and a few kids to start some painting. Alot of it is fine and neutral, but the 2 bedrooms are completely gross. The one middle bedroom which I would like to be a Boys Room has this dumb paintjob where the top half is white and the bottom half is burgundy, with no discernible border in between. The back bedroom which we are thinking could be a Girls Room has a ridiculous sponge paint thing going on, with pink and mint green, and one wall that is brown paneling and blue carpet. Lovely, right!? haha

It is going to need good old fashioned fresh air, and lots of it. With temps in the single digits here, it might be a while till we can air the place out properly, but I am so excited!

On "belly".

2011-02-06T16:23:00.003-05:00

I still have lots to say about birth. I read the blogs, I have friends, books, magazines :)

One I'd like to bring up is this idea of BELLY. We say our bellies, our pregnant bellies, our smooshy bellies, our stretch marked bellies, our scarred bellies. We think a thousand thoughts, have a thousand reactions, perhaps our own hands wandering to touch our own ---but it BUGS me, this idea of BELLY. Because when it comes to cesarean scars, unless you have had a vertical/"Classical" incision, is the typical scar on your belly at all? Mine isn't. Mine is nowhere remotely close to my stomach proper,( which at my height is a good foot or more up!) Mine isn't under my shirt, its somewhere else, somewhere that somehow isn't so cute or "ok" to access in those thoughtful moments--- its in my damn underwear. Bikini underwear. Ya ever heard of a Bikini Cut? That is crotch.

Crotch? Is that it, really? Coochie? PussyVaginaPrivates...linguistics theorem aside, seriously, its not my BELLY. Its way down there, and it is all jammed into layers of scar tissue, adhesions, loose skin, fat rolly chubs. Ouchie secret range, they SHAVE YOU range, and it is something I definitely classify as more of the fucked up stuff they don't tell you, lest you revolt and forgo reproduction and humping dudes all together? Hahaha...I don't know why they don't tell us anything. But even though I had my children starting out pretty young for nowadays, I am a very well read girl, and I seriously thought a c-section would involve some kind of straight line boo boo across the belly. B E L L Y. Not this. Its gross. Its stressful. When you feel like your contents will spill out onto the sidewalk like so many groceries out of your trunk, realizing that all those guts will come out of your ____??? is just so upsetting. Its undies and pads and secrets, girlie bleedy yucky secrets, secret pain, secret fear, secret knowledge that you really ARE weird, you really ARE broken, wrong, fucked up, so, so many little brown bottles of effexor and nice stretch denim holding you all together for the nice people to enjoy...but still.

I want to tell you that I am doing really ok. I am! But can I say that a day goes by that I dont think about birth, sections, babies? Not yet. Because I have this thing. This ouchy secret deep down thing. I sit down on the potty, and my sad little tummy pooch sits there on my legs. Just a little. And it hurts. Some. And my actual belly is kinda fat, kinda doughy, but its fine. Its not cut. Because they dont cut your belly.

They cut the baby out of mommy's upper vag, is anyone saying this to their kids?

Its not your belly. Its worse. That's all.

2011-01-25T20:11:00.002-05:00

ADHD hell. ADHD is hell. ADHD in hell. ADHD go to hell.

No websites seem to get it, no friends or books seem to help. He takes Concerta and we get our son from 9 to 5, but beofre and after that....there is no family. There is no peace. There is no right answer, no better parent, no clever re-directing, there is hell. Hell for all siblings, hell for him, I am sure.

We tried 2 counselors; one was hung up on homeschool?? What is this?? and one wanted to take 5 visits to play connect four with him and send me out of the room. Sorry, our insurance pays for 20 visits a year, i dont have 5 to spare on this gettin to know ya shit.

This is so real and so unbearable.

My summer vows, should I be blessed enough to live through another 2 seasons

2011-01-19T20:23:00.005-05:00

I will not let the fact that it is hot deter me from living this summer.

If I get too hot, I will ask some little person to squirt me; therefore I will say YES to waterguns, forget all that hoo-hah about them being "violent".

I will go to the beach at least twice a week.

I will buy a pool and swim in it everyday I can.

I will say YES to lemonade stands, YES to water balloons, YES to staying up very very late.

I will say YES to naked sprinkler babies. Or kindergarteners.

I will say YES to "can we catch him and keep him?" (and happily drive to buy it crickets or worms...)

I will buy myself a nice new bathing suit, in whatever ghastly size necessary, and I will wear it with pride.

I will open windows way more than turn on air conditioners.

I will say YES to popsicles.

I will say YES to ice cream truck.

I will say YES to setting up the tent in the backyard.

I will TRY TRY AGAIN on planting things, ever careful not to call it a "garden" until/unless it actually does become one.

I will be barefoot.

I will eat and drink outside as much as humanly possible.

I will make iced tea every morning and not give The Man any more of our precious money for gross cans of diet cola.

I will unplug any and everything I need to, as the mother and homeowner, knowing these kids will be all plugged in next winter, and that there is a season and a time for media and a season and a time for...life without it.

I will NOT leave all the barbecuing to daddies and men.

I will say YES to a campfire, and therefore, YES to marshmallows.

I will say YES to fireworks, and YES to them after 4th of July as well.

I will pull a wagon, push a stroller, pack a cooler, tie 7 folding chairs around my neck, whatever it takes but gosh-dang it, we WILL go to every single Music In The Park we humanly can.

I will NOT gasp when kids get too close to the edge of the water/firepit/mudpit.

I will say PHOOEY to locked doors, closed windows, video games, endless TiVo'ed tv shows, and yes, Facebook.

I will never, ever yell at little ones about "the water bill".

I will wear a tank top. My soft and giant mom arms are just another part of nature.

I will dry stuff on the clothesline, and take pride in it's ability to be a full time job.

I will say YES to farmer's market--but not the trendy crowded ones, the little wierd ones.

I will be the tan, sweaty, laughing mama, with dirt on her feet, dough on her apron, baskets of odd little carrots, tomatos and beans on every counter top, and scruffy muddy babies all around her.

I will hunt down every small-town Strawberry Festival and County Fair humanly possible, and be there when it opens.

I will say YES to every living thing, and never, ever forget this winter!

hows homeschool going?

2010-12-13T13:22:00.002-05:00

Its all ok..ish. I hate the unschooling websites almost as much as I hate the chaos in the home when we just live and I dont attack the kids with lame worksheets. I dont know how I want this to be and I dont know why I cant just go with the flow. I DO go with the flow, I have no other choice. I am so glad they arent getting sneezed on 13 miles away in a school they hated that I had to drive to in the frigid dark of 7 am, but.....

O h I dont know. I just dont know. They are all super happy. Now I just need to catch up.

Homeschool, again :)

2010-11-26T12:47:00.003-05:00

How can it be, that 2 years after we tried school we are here again, having "pulled them out" (I hate that expression!) AGAIN? (How can I not blog, oh i mean to everyday, twice a day, dear reader, I assure you) Where do I begin?

Well, it was and is a wonderful wonderful little school. Precious beyond compare. No bullies. No pressure. Not even any grades to speak of. Kindness, sweetness, child-led, you name it. Each teacher loved my kids, and to share raising them was very healing and novel for me. No I am not reverting to the old piteous stuff I used to have in abundance, but truly, I still don't have much in the form of family or babysitting, or more accurately, no one to share in enjoying or raising my kids with besides my husband. It was really neat/cool/amazing/reassuring/normal/confidence boosting to do the normal thing and have my children all accounted for , charted, followed, cared for, known, understood. Even if it was with strange grown ups who do this for money. Does any of that make sense? It made me feel so REAL to get little things on paper that said "Charlie is a kind and helpful boy. He enjoys singing with the class and has mastered counting to 20." "Greta is an amazing artist, and has been a ray of light in our classroom. When she is absent the other kids are lost and depressed." "Mickey is a sweet and conscientious boy who has made amazing strides in math and writing skills. He is a wonderful addition to our classroom." And last but oh-so-not-least: "Casey is a joy to have in class. He is very polite and determined. He is reading with confidence and has made great strides"--- my little adhd mystery child, sometimes monster, sometimes angel, always so MUCH, someone else loves you and enjoys you and is working with you?

BUT. but but but but. They hated it. Really really hated it. In different ways. And it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much work. I mean, breath taking mind blowing head spinning family DECIMATING amounts of work. No organization, no charts, no special closet shelves could ever, ever be enough to do that school lifestyle forever. I had it down to a T and still, just mind boggling how much work it was. To get them all dressed fed clean backpacked and out the door by 7:15 am everyday, ripping poor little Eska out of her crib....and then what? My friends promised/envisioned "Some time to myself"--- but it never seemed to happen. And I tried it all. I tried going right on to some wonderful activity with just my little Eska...I tried go back home and chill out...I tried go back home and clean...I tried go and run errands...it never was awesome. It was isolating, to be alone with a 2 year old, i felt lost, lonely, scared, I tried to go visit my sister, a couple of my girlfriends, and it was just clock-watching and stressful. Twice school called me to go get a kid for some incident, leaving me at the school with one tot and one kid, to rot in the van until 3pm...

I really could go on and on but basically they started in on me, hard. The older 2 kids, Greta and Mickey especially. Amazing logical valid complaints. Bargaining. Begging. Tears. Depression. Desperation. Despair. Frustration. Mama we could learn this sill stuff on Wikipedia, Mama give us another chance, Mama please please I literally cannot go tomorrow Mama Mama Mama we will do ANYTHING please we want to come home we miss you we miss Eska Mama Mama MAmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Steve and I talked to the teachers. A LOT. They spoke of "transitioning" and such. They claimed the kids seemed more than okay in class, happy and healthy, and that maybe we were getting duped. Only made everything more confusing.

And then, we started talking in earnest. About Things Would Have To Change Around Here If You Came Back Home, stuff like rules and respect and accountability and privileges and consequences and restrictions and all that sort of stuff. The stuff I didn't use or need when they were "all little", when homeschool was paper snowflakes and math with raisins and 7 pm bedtimes with me and Daddy cleaning after they were asleep. Yes, Things Would Have To Change Around Here, because somehow, someway, this summer was all about me being completely railroaded and abused by a gaggle of spoiled rotten lazy monsters, hiding in the bathroom wondering if I should take up alcoholism or run away or divorce just for the weekends off. Dead serious.

And then we did it. And it is going really well. And I miss the teachers, so much. They were REALLY involved and close and personal and so so sweet. But we don't miss any of the rest of it. Greta is allowed to have a Facebook account now, as long as we know all her friends and she uses it in the middle of the living room, so she chats away to her pals and they don't seem to discuss school or homeschool whatsoever, just their Japanese Manga and silly jokes and drawings. She really wanted the new friends and she got them, even a little "boyfriend" whom we basically told her that she cant go anywhere with or do anything with but if she wants to say this is her boyfriend, yes we will allow that. (He kind of disappeared once she left school, kids don't talk on the phone like they did in the 80s or 90s it seems but I think it made her feel normal to have a boyfriend for a few weeks haha)

I am sick about the money we spent on the uniforms, hundreds I bet. But we are keeping the dress pants and socks and belts, and although I don't think any of them will ever want to wear a polo shirt for a long long time, all in all we are loving being back together.

I don't regret this, it helped us a lot. I am still unsure if I would rather have kids who loved their school or a happy homeschool. I was willing to do all that work, willing to be on school time from 6am to after 10 pm, six days a week (Sundays were furies of laundry and groceries, tears and preparations) but once they started hating it, weeping (often all five of them all the way to school, a 30 minute drive on a good morning! The noise! Ack!) it felt really useless.

I said it years ago and ill say it again, School should be three days a week. No homework.

Anyhow, we are home and I am back and the weather in Michigan is blustery as of a couple of days ago and this is all intense deja vu of '08 but without all the PTSD and PPD and dying family members. I look forward to being a cool blogger girl again and updating my blog pictures and links and all that good stuff.

HUGS to all!
MamaJoy

School!

2010-09-08T12:46:00.005-04:00

Converted our front closet into a uniform closet for the four children. I didn't want any mornings running looking for outfits!

Eska playing with puppets at the library with just Mama

Me and Eska, just dropped the kids off, all up and out and dressed in the world at 8 am!

My sweethearts in their darling uniforms (of course all untucked) on their first day at their new school! Grades 7, 1, 4 and Kindergarten!

Here I sit, at the computer, in a silent house. My little Eska is 2 now, and asleep in her crib. My oldest four children are all at their first full day of their new school. If you haven't read for a while, and I know I haven't written forever, they all got into a charter Montessori K-8 school about 13 miles away. Yesterday was the first day, but only 1/2 a day and today is a full day.

Charlie is going to be 5 in November, and I had no idea if sending this still nursing little fellow who just learned to go potty this summer away to all day school! Seems like the perfect candidate for waiting a year...except that he was really ready. He knows his letters, numbers, and has a deep desire to wake up and start having some kind of wonderful activities. He wants a back pack and a lunch box and all that stuff. So I took the risk, he also had a kindergarten test (!so silly!) and off he went.

Casey turned 7 this summer and yet I still wanted to put him in first grade. I spoke with the principal about it and she said it would be beyond fine. I told her he couldn't/doesn't read yet and she said that first grade would be just right. But this school does mixed age classrooms, and he is in Lower Elementary, which is grades 1, 2 and 3. They keep their teachers for three years as part of the Montessori approach, which sounds so so nice even though I admit not knowing all about it all yet. Casey has ADHD and we have started going to a family therapist. I have not told the school anything yet nor have I asked for any kind of IEP even though the therapist is really into that. I have been very busy with all that went into getting them all geared up for this start of school and honestly would just like to see how it goes. Maybe a little part of me thinks he will just "be good" and everything will be fine...or maybe I didn't want him labeled, not yet anyhow...time will tell.

Mickey is 10 and we put him in 4th grade. He will be 10 the entire school year and I know this is the right level for him. His is called Upper Elementary and is grades 4, 5 and 6. He got a male teacher who is mister young and fun and this was PERFECT for Mickey. When we had open house/meet the teacher night, Mickey chose to wear a Mario Brothers shirt and Mister Teacher was like "Hey dude, I Love Mario!" I could have fallen down and kissed the floor for the relief and amazement of him not getting ole crabby lady teacher who thinks video games are "bad for kids" or whatnot. Another subject for another day, but we have a boy here who has hundreds of YouTube videos of himself beating levels on his games, who learned to read before he was 4 from Gran Turismo, and who will most likely grow up to design the next best thing that YOUR kids are playing, so, Mister Teacher being young fun hip handsome dude liking Mario was way cool.

Greta is 13 and we put her in 7th grade. She will be 13 the entire school year and we discussed this all with her. This gives her 2 years at the school instead of one, and more of a chance at the math we have so desperately lost our way with. To put it nicely. Her teacher is a cool fun woman who loves Greta and is all into her art already. Their class is going on a field trip overnight camping and seems like a bunch of really cool nice fun kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our homeschool-- did it fail? Yes. And it is okay to fail! I got into it a little with a woman on facebook who was trying to valiantly stop women from bashing themselves and trying to talk me out of the word "Fail", and also taking this whole homeschooler sending kids to school thing a bit personally as I believe she homeschooled briefly for a time and feels a bit defensive about it all? But yes, our homeschool failed. In what ways? Do I need to hide behind the bland facade of "We are entering new horizons this year", must I use forced P.C. terms that feel awkward in my mouth, just to appease everybody? Or can I just say it failed?

By the time we had Eska, my vision for what I wanted homeschool to be was decimated. Ruined. Never even came close for like 4 years. Even taking into account that whole thing of Kids Don't Care About Your Dreams, Just Love And Accept The Person They Are...no. and I will tell you why:

Because I hold education in highest regards and I do believe we can learn all the time but that as a mother I had only a few years to set them on a path that would enrich them for a lifetime.

Because I only wanted to do this to give them a WAY better education than school could.

Because I don't like unschool. I understand it, and I have seen firsthand it work and also seen first hand it fail, but I don't like it.

Because I poured over Charlotte Mason till my eyes were red.

Because I poured over Karen Andreola till my eyes were burgundy.

Because I wanted English For The Thoughtful Child and Well Trained Mind and A Literary Education.

Because I wanted nights looking through telescopes, and a purse full of Bird Guides, Field Guides, Flower guides and dog eared Poetry books.

Because I wanted pianos and violins, french and knitting.

Because I wanted them to know us by name at the library.

Because I wanted homemade soaps, candles, and pies made from garden fruits.

Because I wanted hand built by the children rabbit hutches and a laying hen.

Because I wanted to can vegetables and use only herbs as our medicine.

Because I wanted to read to my children, snuggled under heirloom quilts, smelling their sweet hair as they drifted to sleep to the softly blowing windchimes tinkling from the clothesline.

Because I feel hard in love with every image the homeschooling homebirthing magazines and websites in the early 2000's painted for me.

And it just didn't work. I could not make any of these things happen. I just really couldn't. And I also couldn't come to terms with it. And try as I did to flex and adjust, flex and adjust, flex and adjust, it got to the point where I had screaming fighting boys who "hate to read", "Cant" write, "hate" pianos, never seen a violin, couldn't be trusted to feed the dog ever let alone care for chickens, use hammers to break stuff, "hate" French, forgot how to knit on the way home from knitting class, and say things like "I only hate grocery store food. I like taco bell and ummm candy"

Greta didn't behave this way but was becoming depressed. Needing friends and finding very few in our homeschooling circles. Seems like it was all little kids. When her girl scout troop split up it was a sad day. She tried another troop but it never really clicked and she disliked the leader and the time frame of it. I feel like she saw me struggling and felt bad for me and angry at her brothers and also wanted to escape it all. She benefited enormously from being homeschooled for 13 years and I do not regret it at all. Her self Esteem is strong and healthy. she got to spend a very special year last year going through big life changes such as getting her period in a a lot of books and resting and reflecting and reading and her art is amazing. She is a well formed person who I felt good about sending off to school.

Baby Eskarina...oh I never wanted you to see so much badness, so much wildness, so much rudeness. Brothers who taunt you, tease you, beat each other, throw things, scream all day. And yet you are as cherubic and sassy as any 2 year old, and one quick peek at the vhs collection will show that Greta was the same way at your age "No! No! No!" so I cant blame the brothers tooooo much for your wonderful normal-ness. But I am happy to get this chance to raise you in a sweet happy quiet home now.

Mickey, Casey, Charlie, I think they will really benefit from this nice school. It seems extremely progressive, dynamic, and fun. They need to take a break from each other, to meet some age mates, and to work!

Eska and I have a nice year ahead of us. And yeah, I'm gonna try to IMPOSE my classical music and poetry and healthy food on her, you better believe it!

That's our update...Ill be writing lots more now! Love you all,

MamaJoy

June

2010-06-12T21:59:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday, Greta! June 9th, age thirteen! You have taught me that teenagers don't have to be belligerent assholes, just medium aged souls going through hellacious hormones without much wisdom to really get it all...and yet you do. You are the kindest most patient dear human, and I love you so much!

Happy Birthday, Eskarina! June 11th, age two! You are an actual angel princess, the most precious and kind little apricot that was ever created! You take the notion of terrible twos and decimate them with one tilt of your tiny little doll face. Your eensy hand in mine, and the fact that you WANT to hold it, just melts me....I love you so much!

Happy Birthday, Mickey! June 13th, age ten! You are the funniest, most adorable, intuitive sweetheart around. You taught me that all boys aren't yucky, and you have had me wrapped around your little finger since you were born!..how my toddler turned into a 'dude' is truly beyond me, but bless your heart for everything you bring to this family! I love you so much!

So many birthdays, my husband included, he was June 4th, along with my sister. also June 4th! It has been a whirlwind of cake and ice cream and memories both painful and precious, joyful and bittersweet. Last year June was incredibly dark, we were so dirt poor we didn't have batteries for pictures let alone any birthday parties. My mom was dying, fast, and nothing celebratory felt right at all. This June we live out in the country on a truly lovely property, with somehow at least enough money for cakes and such, and yet of course, 2010 has brought the first true round of birthdays where Mom/"Nanny Fran" won't be telephoning. Nor my grandma/"Nanny Nel" either. We lost 1/2 of our family when we lost my mom, because her husband/my step dad hasn't been calling or visiting either. Its a new and unknown territory, this living without a mother. This is June, now. Summer and flowers and how much she loved them all, refusing sunblock and calling to tell me about how burned she got out weeding...

Happy and sad, June. Soon will be the one year anniversay and I am feeling afraid.

crazy news, but the only sane thing, really.

2010-06-02T08:46:00.003-04:00

I cannot WAIT for fall. Because my kids are going to school.
We found a charter Montessori school, K-8, that is free. I will enjoy my Eska and the peace of knowing someone else is helping me raise my kids. We will tell them in August.

This started as me needing the little boys to go, but really, they all do. Nothing could be worse than "this", their screaming and chaos is over the edge. But the school I found, 12 miles away, is actually very very nice. Child centered, wholistic, brand new, and very very kind in its approach. And if they dont like it, well, ....sorry.

Counting the days. Hope its one of those ones that starts in August, just being honest!
Greta's going in 7th
Mickey's going in 4th
Casey's going in 1st
Charlie's going in Kindergarten. We got him potty trained about 2 weeks ago. Yippee!

And Eska and I...well we might just die from peace and love and nursing and mommy and baby love :)

It was scary and cool, while it lasted.

2010-05-30T09:24:00.002-04:00

I was suppossed to get my period on Wednesday. (I got my tubes tied when I had Eska). But it didnt come. It was just like when I was pregnant, pms came and built up and then kind of evaporated. All that was left was fatigue and sore boobs. no more cramps, no more bitchy/edgy. I began joking with Steve that I was expecting. "Twin boys with ADHD!" was my sense of high humor. He looked pale and pretended to laugh.

But, I got to feel like a woman, as I have experienced it to be for all these years. A woman who has lots of sex and then waits for the end of the month to mean one of two things. Two verrry different things. Either I will bleed and feel yucky for a few days, OR....and the or, for me, goes exactly like this, in this order:
Will I have a homebirth?
Could I find a midwife who would support and love me and help me have a VBAC, or more specifically, an HBA3C?
How will we afford her?
Will I get gestational diabetes?
Will I exercise this time and not become a 250 pound huge fat whale of misery and handicap?
How will we afford six kids?
Will people finally be happy for us, since really, with my tubes tied and all, this baby would be considered to be a magic miracle?
With my mom and grandma dead, there is only my in laws to be mean to us this time, would that affect my experience?
Will I have a girl, and my Brady Bunch of 3 boys 3 girls?
What names do we have left over? Posy Annika?
Would my new friends be the ones who finally help us out after the birth?
Will we actually save the money this time for a post partum doula?
Will I have a miscarriage, and would I be devastated?
Would there be whispers of abortion, since after a tubal, the assumption would be that this baby couldnt have been more "unwanted"?
Since I am 35 now, would the baby have a birth defect? Would I get a triple screen test? What would I do with the results?
Would my new high protien low carb diet help me, or would it fly out the window at the first pang of nausea?
Can I sue the doctor for the botched tubal? Did I sign anything before this surgery, and why can't I remember signing anything or being given anything whatsoever ie paperwork or a pamphlet about "your tubal ligation"?
Did my tubal "cause" some of my postpartum depression and pain?
Will Steve be all mad and wierd, and can I deal with that?
Why am I excited to be pregnant, and am I mentally ill or just n-o-r-m-a-l?
Who is gonna sleep where, and when would my due date be, and could I deal with a Pieces child? (yes I love pieces, and I love Aquarians and Aries too, so feb/march/april are all covered, phew!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg, truly. And I bet this giant snowball of thought is all par for the course, every month, for every woman who is fertile, or even pretending to be.

but I am not fertile and I know that. I got my period this morning.

No Carb Mama...shocked?

2010-04-29T09:02:00.002-04:00

Remember how I said I was going to do Weight Watchers? Well, I kind of knew in my heart that it wasn't for me...so I have started Atkins. I am on day four of NO carbs. I am already skinnier, but I am not going to weigh myself until I am to day 14 of the phase 1. If you knew how I truly ate before, you would really be shocked at what a huge difference this is for me.
Bagels
pop
toast
pop
sandwhiches
crackers
pop
sugar coffee
noodles
rice
pop
sweets
cereal
repeat! cookies! chips! beans! nachos! pancakes!

now its more like tuna, lettuce, chicken, salad, eggs, cheese, nuts, broccoli, coffee with splenda, diet coke maybe once a day.

I am very excited about this. I have diabetes in every nook and cranny of my family tree, and tons of signs of insukin resistance of my own. I gain almost all of my weight in my belly, and can gain tons of weight wthout going up a pant size...classic "Apple". Plus lost of falling alseep the moment I eat carbs, and mood swings up the wazoo.

In 2 weeks I will be slowly reintroducing whole grains and fruit, but will probably never be a brownie and donut girl ever again. I had 35 years of that stuff and it never did anything good for me, so I am not too "sad".

I'm Thirty Five!!!!!!

2010-04-03T22:09:00.003-04:00

Today is my birthday and I am 35! Thirty was not anything for me, no biggie, just an innocent little Mama, pregnant with Charlie, still "knew it all" etc. Boy how five years changes everything!

I am really taking this 35 thing seriously. I am joining Weight Watchers online, I am going to get up early to a --gulp--actual alarm clock 5 days a week, I am going to exercise, for real, and I am just different. Its all positive stuff, just healthy adult stuff.

I though that when my mom died that I would get all tattooed up, maybe get all reckless, smoking and drinking...well I did revert back to some hair colors, but thats about it. The self destructive or wild child stuff didnt really end up sounding too appealing after all. Its been more of a quiet daily shadow, sometimes sad, sometimes warm, sometimes horribly scary. I was very aware today that Mom wasn't going to telephone me, and neither was Grandma. This was the first time in my life for that. Bless my sister and my mother in law for calling, and to all the Facebook pals who wrote on my "wall"---it really is nice.

Steve got me the most precious fat little yellow canary last night. He is the BEST. He sings already, and he is just perfect. I love him. The kids cannot believe how loud and amazing his song is-- I had canaries as a big part of my childhood, but the last canary we had, my amazing Cosmo, died unexpectedly right before Greta was born, and we havent had one since. They are expensive, and I guess thats why we never bought a new one, but they are so special, a singing pretty birdie right in your home! He even got me a green cage, my favorite color.

Our new house is soooooo great, I am so sorry I haven't written more about it or done pictures yet. We fit in it just perfectly, and I think maybe Casey with his never ending experiments and Eska with her toddly wanderings have probably enjoyed the change the most-- but we all agree, it is just wonderful "out here". I feel a little sheepish about white-flight as this is not an inner ring suburb and that is closer to where I have almost always lived, but we are near Steves work and nature and... well, we are happy.

I cut my hair quite a bit and died it "red" but it is like a maraschino cherry pink, which is fun, too. I have to leave it for a while now and so I am happy to be stuck with such a pretty shade.

Off to go have birthday evening fun with my angel husband, happy birthday indeed :)

Love you all...homeschool stuff to discuss next...

MamaJoy

The C word and the F word

2010-03-15T00:26:00.002-04:00

FUCK CSECTIONS.
Yeah I said it. Duh, right? I still am gonna say it forever, cause Ive had three of these gory brutal invasive terrifying fucking surgeries, THREE babies whose mother was a complete drugged out invalid, Each fucking cesarean was a hundred times worse than the previous one--no fuck that--a thousand times worse, then ten thousand. I promise you. Who am I directing this to, exactly? Poor pregnant ladies? Hardly. The mean old doctor who hates you and cuts you up for no reason? har har, but nope. Just to the WORLD. To the fucking world. You all need to fully grasp what a crock and a farce and a huge, HUGE deal this thing is. this thing that is apparently happening to nearly half of all the mamas-- HALF???? That chapter in the cheesy pregnancy book you kinda didnt even read cause it was a bummer and bad luck--well its all fucking LIES, my darlings, the little lady doing some weird sit-up in some gross leotard--no. This is not the scenario, THIS IS NOT WHAT MY CSECTION WAS LIKE, AT ALL. It wasnt about a fucking nursing pillow or fucking tylenols or fucking deep breathing. It was about searing, sizzling, jolting, clunking, crushing, swollen, twisted, lost, misplaced organs, it is about being a broken, oh so fucking broken fucking flower, a beautiful tragic flower, with a rose for a head, strong green leaves at the base, and a pulverized, decimated liquid mush covered in tears and staples and milk and gauze and pus dandelion stem.

A pregnancy, a beautiful live healthy baby--the blessing is too overwhelming to comprehend-- this alien swirling and swelling your every moment towards ultimate ripeness--and to think of how the mother, the vessel of life, the beautiful gigantic rose pregnant goddess mama, laid out naked and fucking STRAPPED down to a metal SLAB, robot lights zooming down upon her purest glory with blue nasty spearmint sinister glowering glare--to think of then TAKING A KNIFE--A __KNIFE!!!!!__ and searing right into her like that???? It stands in direct opposition of everything that has transpired for 10 moons.

And what of the baby? Oh, the dear baby-- well its so difficult explain how a sectioned woman receiving her child is from the truly transcendent supernova that is reaching down into yourself--your SELF and lifting up your baby. Upside down vomiting into your eyes and nose and seeing a small tunnel visioned glimpse of some red face in a blanket while there are deafening gurgling suction noises coming from behind the magic curtain....well it is cool, to see your baby's face a little bit, its awesome that the baby is "here", alive and whole, but pretty much your body can't decide whether to shake uncontrollably, to vomit violently, retching for air, or just nod in and out of consciousness for the next undisclosed time period. So um, no, it ain't really the same, hmm?

One can only wonder how they seal the deal--I hear there is a lot more medical glue and a lot less stitches going on nowadays. I like that I have to learn about my own belly from the internet, lemme tell you. But they do it roughly, they do it rote-ly, and they don't go easy--after all, you are still numb, and they don't ever have to see you again. So expect extensive, alarming bruising, inside and out. Then the lovely staples. STAPLES??? I almost fucking fainted when some nonchalant bitch , one of hundreds of non chalant childless mean 23 year old bitches who would fucking PARADE into my bedroom-- well it is isnt it? You are in bed barely clothed--so it is your bedroom--when she told me "You gotta watch out for yer staples, bla blabla" MY WHA??? S T A P L E S??? I was horrified, alarmed, scared. I felt that magic curtain come back up, whenever "the wound" was discussed, I just felt it go up up up and we were all just chatting about some other poor old soul who has been attacked by King Arthur's best swordsman or some shit--right? My staples? blech!!!!!

But you do get the courteous little gauze patch, its size rather belying the extent of your actual injuries-- are you fucking kidding me, I feel like a foolish fucking moron with this tiny little white rectangle taped to my upper crotch, someone come in this room and give me a full body cast, some blipping machinery, and a continuous drip of actual fucking painkillers that actually work!!! Hell, I could have used one of those halo things that head injury victims use, where you have your entire head encircled with a metal ring and that ring is connected to your shoulders--that is just the tip of the iceburg of how much insane pain I was in after I had my Eska.

Thats all for tonight. its taken me 21 months to even hint at a real honest birth story of Eskarina, but maybe this small post will help unveil everything to anyone who still reads this blog.

Our New House

2010-01-25T16:25:00.002-05:00

So we have moved. Finally. Away from the teeny tiny experimental house that alas, turned out to be somewhat from hell. One small living space, about the size of an area rug. Thats all we had for a home. Blech. Lots of bad memories and cluttery stress.

So now we live in what we of course truly hope and plan to be a long time home. It is 1600 square feet of 1925 bungalow-y goodness. About 2 miles north enough to feel kinda country-ish, but of course surrounded by loads of McMansions and silly subdivisions with silly names that bely their guilt at destroying natural beauty for the sake of taupey snore-ville. Walnut Creek, Glen Meadows, Forest View---BWA HA HA I loathe that shit. But whatever. We have a large property, maybe 2 acres? and we have a gravel circular driveway, a dining room, a living room AND family room (woo hoo!) hardwood floors, and very importantly, a HUGE Oak tree. Some evergreens, a cottonwood, and what appear to be a few maples and apple/crabapples. (Its January, Im just giving it my best guess). The kitchen window where I stand and do endless dishes (no dishwasher! for real! gulp!) has three windows that stare out onto the wonderful backyard--in which we saw a fox our first day here. We have 2 deer x-ing signs on our street, and we are across the street from a nature center. I love it here! The kids and husband are already seeming more calm and peaceable, even with living out of boxes and bags somewhat.

Its really kind of like a dream, we like this place so much. And whats crazy is that it is so nondescript on the outisde (ugly even, if not certainly boring) that the first time I set up the appointment to come see the place, I truly almost drove off. But obviously, I did not, and the inside is really lovely. The whole thing is cozy and nice--especially with my immediate settingup of lots of little low wattage lamps everywhere. No overhead lighting for me, thank you very much, unless I am in some tanning booth or surgery, I detest white-bright-overhead lights. Blech.

I cannot wait until spring in this place. I think I might finally be ready to do some lady-stuff like plant a garden. I have a very black thumb and not the biggest desire to do alot of yardwork. But mostly its the knowledge that the gardening could be awesome and zen like but it will be interrupted or impossible due to the multiple children that has kept me away. Then the guilt and stress of the "other mommies" whose children garden with them, gentle little cherubic hands covered in rich black earth, in contrast to my few attempts to even re-pot some marigolds with them turning into a tear filled brat fest, and well, I have been reticent. But maybe this year, this house, could bring me to planting a few things and seeing what comes of it. I can certainly sprinkle out some wildflower mix, right?

Well, off to check the mailbox-- you have to walk way out front to get it--too exciting and novel for this city girl, lemme tell ya! Talk to you soon,
MamaJoy

Heres the hair!

2010-01-06T12:25:00.003-05:00

Time for pine green?

2010-01-05T12:31:00.003-05:00

My hair is /was bright red and it is fading and there are roots (with grays! lots of them! are you f-ing kidding me? If you ever think I will embrace that shit at 34 you are KRAYZEE) and its time. Time for a change. You may recall my days of cobalt blaring blue and the days of neon grass green. But grass green gives me some memories of a very freaky time and Greta is now the proud owner of bright blue hair and so I have deliberated and went and bought Special Effect's Sonic Green last night. I will bleach this grey red birds nest out, it will turn bright yellow, I will apply Sonic Green, it will be gorgeous.

I hope!?!?!

cabin fever is a state of mind

2010-01-05T12:18:00.002-05:00

So, its cold and we live in a tiny house and my kids are messy and I am lazy and we are cozy and nursey and legos and puzzles and cords and wires and memory cards and disks and poker chips and dice and washcloths of all kinds are everywhere and there are 2 cats and a toddler and no basement and no upstairs and no laundry room so we do the wash in the kitchen and have nowhere to put it and they spill all day everyday and we throw a towel on the spill and then the baby takes the towel away chewing on it and we are happy.

For real. I know it is only January but I dont think we are going to "go nuts" this winter. I SERIOUSLY cannot imagine getting anyone up and out of here ANY morning, let alone 5 mornings. Nope. We are in our cozy nest. My kids are pink and smooshy-snuggly in their quilts, and they wander out and into my arms when they have had enough sleep. I often co sleep with Eska AND Charlie, both nursing off and on lazily, little warm paws on my belly, tucked under my arms, whatever. We keep the blankets on. We eat waffles and coffee with candy canes melted inside. We make nachos piled high and chili with smashed up Boca burgers and celery and corn in it. We drink throwback Pepsi with no corn syrup and we have blankets EVERYWHERE. We snuggle and read and do playdoh and so what if 90% of it gets sucked up in the vacuum hose later? The dishwasher hums and the laundry rumbles and the heater roars and I dont want to go anywhere in this cold!

We take a few kids on errands, and that is fun. Greta, Mickey and Steve actually like to go grocery shopping, so they do that. I take a couple kids to Starbucks or the bookstore sometimes, and yeah we have played in the one inch of crunchy bad snow a couple times. But mostly, we are inside and grateful. I am not obsessed with spring and its muddy tricks and viruses. Summer will be awesome, but spring in Michigan is pretty much a week in May. Maybe Ill change my tune in a few weeks but for now? Its all pretty decent.

Mommy's new drug

2010-01-05T11:50:00.003-05:00

I suck so bad, I am SO sorry I haven't blogged!

Anyways, where did I leave ya hanging? Oh yes--coo-coo psycho Mom and her meds or therapists or whatnot. Well, I took the easy way out--some losers might say--and got on a nice little pill called Effexor. 75mg, twice a day, if you must know.

at first, I felt shaky, nauseous, and like I told anyone who would listen, as if my very blood was menthol. Seriously, it wasn't a chill so much as a refreshing, albeit artificial, sense of freshness and new-ness. I felt like I had gotten a blood transfusion, and I felt a distinct lack of ANXIETY. Perfectly fine by me, as it so happens, gripping onto your own arms and pacing in the kitchen is completely scary for your children to witness and does not do wonders for the household vibes, the skin, or anything whatsoever.

So, there was me, kind of dizzy, with my minty blood (I swear to you I could feel every vein's whereabouts in my body--there is a very long one that goes from the backs of your arms down and around to your pinkie) and my lack of anxiety, kind of not hungry but needing to nibble on food so as not to puke and it was very weird.

Then I realized that I was no longer afraid to watch certain movies/tv shows, nor was I ruining almost every evening with Steve by covering my eyes and yelling TURN IT OFF! to almost everything we tried to watch. (Before this medicine, I couldn't bear the stress of watching anything beyond a nature show --if there was no killing--or maybe a home makeover show--if there was no surprise factor) I also couldn't bear to watch any tv or movie that contained (or threatened to contain:

Socially awkward situations (Borat would be an extreme example)
Pranks
Bloopers
Injuries
Violence
Sadness
Illness
War
Injustice
Cruel Comedy
and of course, anything just flat out "chick-flick" fare like "My Mom has cancer" or "My baby died" or "My marriage fell apart" or "My sister hates me now" or "My best friend betrayed me"

So, all of a sudden, Im miss fun wife, watching Comedians and Snoop Dogg and stuff involving Seth Rogan. All of a sudden, like in week 3, I am just CLOSER to "myself". I am open and available to my children, my husband, reality. Hiding under a quilt literally and figuratively no longer seems desirable. Honest communication doesn't top my list of dreads anymore. I am no longer the walking manifestation of Fear anymore.

Cool! I am also now, in maybe week 5? not feeling mentholated blood or dizzyness. My appetite is pretty normal although I am losing a little weight from not eating so much comfort-carbs, and my sleep, when the babies let me, is really fun! I have these amazing dreams where I am so sexy fun and cool, and the feeling lasts all morning. I don't know who I think I am in these dreams, but I jet set and I rock and roll and I get into adventures with interesting people and its quite fun!

The downsides to effexor, for me, right now, are minimal. I know full well that it is one that can be a horrible nightmare to stop taking, but as I do not plan to anytime soon, that is okay. One time I missed my dose by several hours and I felt myself getting very bitchy and edgy, and that was about it. Also, one time I tried to have a mom breakfast of a cup of coffee or three and I really did almost puke. I had to jam down a sandwhich and then I was fine.

There can be sexual side effects and without getting too grody or graphic, I have noticed that it can take a bit more effort to get into it but overall sex is still lovely fantasmic ding ding ding hooray! Ok I struggled with that sentence for like 5 minutes so Im leaving it as is : )

So that is it for the meds. I am not going to a shrink at this time.

an oldy about motherhood

2009-12-10T13:55:00.001-05:00

My little attempt to wrap my head around the right wing agenda...or something : )

Oldy about socialization

2009-12-10T13:49:00.001-05:00

Heres an old post about homeschooled kids and some of the fallacies surrounding the ideas of socialization. Enjoy.

Oldy about food

2009-12-10T13:47:00.002-05:00

Hers an old post about the troubles we face in providing a good breakfast! Enjoy.

oldy

2009-12-10T13:43:00.001-05:00

I am going to be sharing a series of old posts from a while back. Here is one about nursing, nursing more than one baby, extended nursing, etc. Enjoy the musings of the old me : )

sigh

2009-12-09T22:56:00.002-05:00

So much of this insane story reminded me of the craziness
I went through with my babies 1, 2 and to some extent, 5. Anything to do with hospital care just was so confusing, humiliating scary, abusive, and plain old unnecessarily crude....yes. This stuff happens. Thanks good old Navelgazer for this sad story of reality for too many mothers.

shrink shopping

2009-11-21T22:10:00.003-05:00

Feeling somewhat better today...I missed my "pill" (Zoloft) last weekend 2 days in a row and it may have set me off into a bad patch. I felt horribly dour and depressed early in the week, as you read. Anyhow, the kids and I went to a holiday parade in our "Downtown" and it was kind of fun for them, I think they liked it... It was unseasonably warm and we enjoyed just wearing sweaters. I must admit feeling fake and disoriented about Santa and jingle bell dudes and local politicians waving in convertibles with greenery on them...its not even Thanksgiving, its warm out, and my mom is dead. Its kind of like that first car ride with your first baby...that whole "Why are these freaks driving so fast? Who can eat McDonalds on a very special day such as this? Why isnt anyone looking into our car at red lights to see the miracle?"...just seemed rude to have a parade and say yay yay xmas oh yeah woot woot when really, I feel nothing of the sort. I just feel fear and sleepiness and worry.

Can you tell I am struggling to blog? Oh well. Little updates are better than not writing.

I did a depression check on WebMD and it linked me to local shrinks/counselors and whatnot, and I emailed those to myself to call monday. I am not looking forward to finding childcare, going to the new doctor, and them possibly being somehow yucky and then having to start that whole process again. But I guess its worth it. Obviously if I find someone cool or tolerable or even perhaps kind and professional, that'd be fabulous! Also, if he/she starts thinking that homeschooling is bad and wouldnt I like a nice break from the kiddies, that is going to color our whole exchange, so I am hoping for some tolerance on that arena also. Natural parenting, too, whatever that means or if I even "Do" any of "it" anymore, I dont want any eyes rolled about nursing or anything like that. I am sure there are very cool doctors out there, its just the wading through them process that I dont have the strength for. At least not tonight!

Well, here's to me finding a cool psychiatrist or something/someone. I am doing research into lots of different medications and alternative stuff too and hope to get it all going...yeah...right after I sleep for like 4 months zzzzzzzzzz thats all I really truly want. Sleep and quiet.

Still here, still mental

2009-11-18T19:50:00.003-05:00

We moved to a teeny little house last winter...and umm it blows. Don't get me wrong, it is cute...because we made it cute. The theory is great, but like so many things in my life, I get hyped up and latch onto websites and pour over library books and my kick was that of small houses as some kind of simple living movement and, in true Joy fashion, I ignored the fact that all this stuff is written by single old ladies or childless couples or maybe sometimes a family with like one kid. It all photographs so well, you know : )

Well, so we need to move. We are literally gathered 'round a shabby little rug in the front room as our ONLY living space. Try to imagine say, a dentist's waiting room with your five kids. Theres some Duplos on the floor, and ummmm well, hope you like Duplos! Its the pits. We tried and tried and spent a good deal of money on "solutions"--oh yes we heeded the siren's call of clever organizers, upwards storage, loft beds, bunk beds, closet systems, and nope. Still sucks. I know most of the world lives in huts, but for the rent we pay, we are not making a wise choice staying here literally falling over each other.

So, I try to go back to the drawing board--where do actual homeschooling families live? Where do actual families of seven live? Not mopey artists, not never-home 2 income families, but us. What works? How can I "Go confidently in the direction of my dreams/Live the life I've imagined"? When I have failed so many times to be realistic?

Bringing the kids along to these go-sees helps. Let them run and scream and see if it is intolerable even when there is nothing but wide open spaces. Do not go alone to house-hunting appointments, and no taking one mature calm 12 year old doesn't count either. Must bring the loonies.

Do we want a farm or something downtown? We have looked at (and loved) both in the past week. All of us except Mickey. He hates moving and wont barely speak to us about it.

This is what is taking up some of our time lately. Otherwise, I am struggling staying afloat of my depression and anxiety. I have done ALOT of research into new medications and dont get to see my doctor until December 4th. I have learned alot about BiPolar disorder, depression, post partum depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mood swings, and although I want to "get all into" grief and loss, (har har) I cannot do it right now, not while I am the sole caretaker for these five kids. Its bad enough just trying to be a good role model and decent mother when I am feeling so anti social, vulnerable, upset, and so extremely sluggish most of the day. So I am a bitch sometimes and they are all staring at me in the tiny house and its pretty miserable.

It was brought to my attention from a very thoughtful and well meaning old friend that I was starting the "Medication/Moving/Put The Kids In School Dance again", and while the point was well taken, and it did catch me off guard and make me think....like so much of everything, it just kind of made me feel worse.

I just dont have a novel approach, but I keep on trying! Really,all I can say to ALL the mothers struggling is to keep on trying. Try what you know, try something new. Listen to your kids, listen to reason. Listen to your heart, but if your "heart" is only a black ache eternally pounding you suck, you suck, you suck, you blew it, you blew it, you blew it, theres no fixing any of this, its all over, you fail, you failed as a mother as a person as a wife as a super sparkle star you let everyone down all day everyday you suck suck suck suck...then do NOT listen to that. Just try really hard not to be mean, get more sleep, and do not be discouraged from getting professional help including medicine!!!!

I don't know what to tell you about our homeschool. To me, it is just horrid. Everything is. A huge, eye-stinging, heart squeezing disappointment. But the kids are ok. Id like to get them a bigger house and a Mom who is stable-er.

I am also very afraid and hating the holidays. It will start off with an awkward sad thanksgiving with widower step dad and go downhill from there. I used to be so into Christmas but this year I can barely choke it down, without Mom and Grandma.

Well, I try to be fun and funny on Facebook, so if you miss my old blurbs and jokes, yes I am on there alot now, but the blog is still really what I care about, just haven't made the time.

Well ya wanted me to blog....: ) sigh

Ill keep everyone updated on the house hunting, we looked at a nice one tonight, actually.

Late October

2009-10-29T13:45:00.004-04:00

I have not written in one month!!! I SUCK!

I have been too happy, too sad, too busy, too overwhelmed, too bored....I dunno. But this is my 300th post and so I will just tell you that I have dyed my hair Nuclear Red (by special effects) and I like it. Here is a picture of my new hair, isnt it getting long?

Mostly, though, my laptop computer has been dead and there is no way to get to the old desk-n-chair with all these beebees in this teeny tiny cabin-house-thing (which i love and hate) but now Steve got it running again and I can sneek in a little internet time here and there-- phew!

I love you all I miss the blog world, I have lots to say, just need to re figure out how to STILL eek out a little me-time with five kids.

pass this along please!

2009-09-29T23:34:00.000-04:00

This year, the start of National Midwifery Week (Oct. 4-10) has coincided with a particularly unflattering depiction of midwives and home births on The Today Show in which they compared home birth to, among other things, "a spa treatment." The report, which suggested that home birth is an option chosen by women who are merely imitating trendy celebrities, was a great example of shoddy and biased reporting, with a equal parts patriarchal patronizing and emotional exploitation.
At Choices in Childbirth, we believe that women should have all the necessary information to make their own choices about where, how and with whom they give birth. In response to the Today segment, CIC has put together a petition demanding accurate reporting on all birthing options, rather than fear-mongering and fact-free depictions of home birth and midwifery. If you would be interested in signing it, writing about it or passing it along to people in the feminist and birth communities who you know would be interested, I'd be most grateful.

Best regards,
Chloe Angyal
Administrative AssistantChoices in Childbirth
Choices in Childbirth
441 Lexington Ave. 19th Fl.
New York, NY 10017212.983.4122
New York, NY.

Monday

2009-09-14T23:21:00.002-04:00

Today was supposed to be the first day of Casey and Charlie's little school. But they woke up around 4 am coughing and snuffling, Casey asking me if he had "The Croups" (no! ). I couldnt send them like that, although the bark was worse than the actual "cold", plus the handouts said no sick kids no fevers, no coughs, etc.

Darn. I hope they can attend next Monday. I hardly slept at all last night, all anxious about it.

So, all five kids have a cold, and we are laying low. Seems a bit early for this stuff, but hey. I was happy to rest today, to be perfectly honest.

I will be the first to admit that I am using Facebook all the time and it makes me think I have blogged. It is lazy and easy and quippy and reaches lots of casual pals whom I would not direct to this blog necessarily. This blog means the WORLD to me and yet I am in a space where I dont have the "fire" about the stuff that I used to. At least not now. Im not all jazzed up about homebirth, I am just sad about stuff like that. Im not all ferociously passionate about homeschooling or able to post any cool links, but eternally grateful for this blessing that homeschooling is and the people my children are free to become. I nurse constantly but feel no desire to protest or rally or do anything militantly Lactivist. Maybe its the anti depressants, making me a safe and neutral blob... or maybe it is my brain protecting me from utter anihilation. Not today. No 24 hour crying jag today. Maybe next time. Some other time.

I am proud of all you birth bloggers and hope that my passions were not cauterized when I got my tubes tied. I actually had that thought when I was laid out on the operating table. I DO care about all that stuff, I just don't have much to say right now.

Hmmm what else is up? My hair is getting really long and I have cut fun little betty-bangs. I still hope to have it way way long and beautiful cobalt blue again and keep it that way. Probably by spring?

The curling club doesnt want/need me back for the bartending position I foolishly assumed was mine for the taking this season. I am really sad about that, but plan to kind of hang around there a little bit so I can weasel my way back into their consciousness? Greta is old enough to do junior curling, but she doesnt like sports very much. We shall see.

Talk to you all soon,

Housefairy/MamaJoy

2009-09-14T13:41:00.002-04:00

I was reading Unschooling.com today, a site I have visited many times, and have had many different reactions to. I used to abhor it. All of it. Now I find it affirming, uplifting, and good.

I thought unschooling was risky and freaky and irresponsible and, frankly, a back-door excuse/explanation for why it was okay to "not educate" your kids and let them "run the household". I had physical reactions such as fear, and sadness, at the thought of Trusting The Children, and it has taken me 7 solid years of parenting children who don't go to school to admit and fully grasp just how much of my adult existence has been based on doing what I have deemed "Impressive", or "What Looks Good". To whom, exactly, I was never able to really admit. That one piece of the puzzle was just out of reach for me, and no amount of meditation, prayer, or wondering really ever seemed to put the answers fully within my grasp. Who Am I Trying To Impress?

Why?

Is It Working?

If this person is indeed impressed, what was the cost?

I knew and yet I didn't know, but one of those people was my mom. I also knew but didnt know, that when she died, there would be a new level of self actualization and although I tried tried tried to just live my life and do what felt right while she was still alive, I couldn't.

Now that she is gone, there is a void and a wide open slate and moving about in this new realm has been a very new experience.

Last week, the other very important adult in my life, my beloved Grandmother, died. She was 84, had breast cancer, and we knew she wasnt doing super well, but the death was rather sudden and definitely a shock. Her funeral was out of state and I had about 3 days notice and could not go. I am upset about alot of details about what has happened to my family tree and all the open ended lack of funerals or gravesights. I am trying to heed every Hallmark admonition to let peoples memories live on by living out their intended goodness, and to let go of guilt and material possessions and longings for the kinds of goodbyes that I might have envisioned. (Accept the things we cannot change, etc?)

But now with mom and grandma gone (Ow its hard to type that) I am really, really on my own. Funny for a girl who left home at 17 to say something like that, but these 2 women were the voices in my head. I allowed that. I created that. And it just so happens that they weren't too keen on homeschooling or many of the things I believe so strongly in. And it just so happens that I simply was not able to not let it matter to me. I tried.

Now they are gone, and reality is clearer for me. These are my children, and living in radical freedom is serving them extraordinarily well. I will devour Home Education Magazine, sit back, rest, mourn, and feel 100% okay to let them flourish.

Enjoy this article, great reading suggestions, and kiss your loved ones tonight. Death really will touch your life, not to be morbid, just to be present and aware. Let appreciation wash over you, and above all, do not be afraid to respect your children. It has nothing to do with you being the adult, nor does it threaten your authority. You have natural authority by virtue of being the parent. I have stopped chiming in little "helpful"admonitions and have taken on the role of a guiding observer with the children as of late, and it has been an honor.

Rest In Peace, beautiful precious Grandma. Your love and respect for me as a child will never be forgotten. I know we disagreed about homeschool, but I always understood why. Your spirit is with me constantly,( forcing me to rethink everything I thought about that sort of thing!!!) I love you so much.

Homeschool fall 2009

2009-09-09T09:46:00.002-04:00

As we get closer to "the school year", i have been remembering what we have all been through and am trying to learn from all i have experienced, all i have read, and to listen to that old, tiny, precious voice within, along with the voices of my children before we jump into another fake construct of charts and lists and over wrought plans that noone wants and noone would ever, could ever truly "do" until June.

So, here are our plans, our loose and loving plans for this semester, also known as the time from September 'till Christmastime. Ish. Lots of "ish"!

Mondays all of us will be driving 6 year old Casey and 3 1/2 year old Charlie to their once-a-week school/daycare place. The two of them will be gone from 9am until 1pm at a woman's house who is running a very Waldorfy day school out of her home. This will be Charlie's first experience being away from me in a non-family or friend or babysitting situation. I hope they behave well and that they enjoy it. I hope to make the best use of this time to do something cool with Greta, Mickey and Eska.

Tuesdays we are reserving for field trips. Could be anything, library, museum, nature center, etc.

Wednesdays we are going to be doing school-y stuff with the little kids in the mornings before lunch, and during naptime (If I work it right, both Eska and Charlie will take a nap from 1 until 3 or even longer) I will be doing something school-y with the older kids.

Thursdays we will be doing all necessary work for our homeschool Co-Op, such as me planning my class i teach to assisting them with their homework for their own classes. I also have dreams of getting together with my sister and her 3 children for dinner at their place on Thursday nights---her husband works midnights and she has to do the entire evening thing on her own everynight, and my husband works until 8pm on thursdays, so I thought maybe we could go across town and bring a pizza and hang out from like 6 to 8, maybe even get the littles in their pj's for the drive home? My mother's death has brought us much closer together but still didnt give us any more hours in the week, so we both agreed to try to do anything we can to see each other LOTS more, even if it is just a silly Hot N Ready on a weeknight.

Fridays we have our homeschool Co-Op. This is a great group of homeschooling parents who teach classes to each other's children, there are doctors and lawyers and moms and dads and it is a very inclusive group of open minded families from literally all walks of life. I am looking forward to this immensley and hope to post lots of info and pictures once this gets started.

The class I volunteered to teach I called Circletime/Show and tell. I am planning on doing fun little games like Head,shoulders, knees and toes, Hot Potato, and stuff like that. do you like how it starts in 2 days and i really don't know exactly what I am going to do yet : )?

It looks like there will be 11 kids in my class, ages 3 to 6. i will have a uch better idea of what the heck i am doing after the forst week, once i get a feel for who these little people are and what they seem to enjoy! I hope Eska is not a CRYING fiend, because she has been a bit of a pip lately--very cross and biting and hitting (yes, the little apricot is a toddler now! getting molars and feeling angry about it!) and wanting to nurse for one second and then back flipping and screaming...(might give the tiny angel a bit o' the pre-emptive tylenol that morning, come to think of it!)

Greta will be taking German, Physics, Writing, Art History and Teens for Our Planet.

Mickey will be taking German, Legos, and Science.

Casey will be taking Circletime, Language Arts and Legos.

Charlie will be taking Circletime and Language Arts.

Eska will be taking painkillers. LOL!

We are considering a few other semi-regular events proposed by my county-wide homeschooling Yahoo group, a homeschool nature class, a homeschool "gym" class at one of those bouncey-inflatable party places, and maybe ice skating.

So, although looking at what Ive typed here, the schooly stuff seems to have gotten a rather small slice of our time pie, I know those open spaces are where my children do their true learning, and where meaningful relationships with the world are realLy formed.

I would like to use Five In A Row curriculum again, a very nice product that helps you glean the most from some great children's books. in a nutshell, it was written by a mother of five, and you are supposed to read the same book up to five days in a row. They now have it for older kids, too, so I am excited to check that out.

Continued apologies on my lack of blogging, and thank you for still reading!

Love to all,

Housefairy/MamaJoy

Its not that I have nothing to say...

2009-08-24T13:18:00.003-04:00

...I just truly cannot seem to make the time for it lately. So much has transpired this summer, with the biggest things being my depression and getting on medications, and the death of my mother. We decided to "start summer" on August 4th, the day after her memorial service. That was her birthday and also Casey's...I didnt even make a happy birthday post to my sweet home born baby! Ack! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRECIOUS CASEY ANGEL!

The memorial service was just supposed to be a little something me and my sister threw together at our step dad's home. It turned into a huge huge poorly planned crowd, and her and I had 8 children of our own to deal with, with seemingly no one to greet, help mingle, even get the door! I remember a sweaty, stressful house party with no cohesion, no point. I felt helpless to gather anyone to even come look at the candles and photos we set out of my mom, but people did look. I wanted to have a time where we spoke about mom, I bought an expensive journal for people to write in...I just dont know. My husband had to work so he wasn't there, and so I had to do it all while carrying Eska on my hip (fancy house, glass, stairs everywhere)almost continually from 3pm until 930 pm. I had elbow and hand problems for 2 weeks afterwards. I forgot the playpen, the babygate didnt fit their stairs, it was hot....

I hope people got something out of it. I felt horrible the next day, just in a haze of sadness and exhaustion. But we decided to start summer and we have. We bought a pool, 15 feet across by 42 inches deep from Target, mega clearance due to it being mid August,and it is great. The kids love it, Charlie stands next to it on a step stool and squirts us, he will come in but only on my lap on a raft, it is over his head and he is scared. We have done Homeschool Park Day a few times recently, we went to a friend's beach birthday, and we are trying to plan camping. I am not ready for homeschool, not even in the slightest. The only thing I have done to "prepare" is put some great bumper stickers on our van!

We are in a co-op that starts in 3 weeks. It meets on Fridays and I am teaching a class for which I have prepared nothing. Not only do I work well under time pressure, I am kind of only able to do so! The class is called Circle Time/Show and Tell and it is for kids 3 to 6. I am going to do some songs and games, just happy little nursery kind of stuff. Maybe some silk play-scarves, hot potato, whatever. I know it will go well, I used to throw ELABORATE birthday parties and the kids would just play and play with me and before I knew it like 3 hours would have passed, so this 50 minute class twice a month--Im not sweating it. Perhaps I am insane or overly confident but I think it will be fine.

Charlie and Casey are going to go on just Mondays to a home day-school. It is run by a sweet sweet lady who follows Waldorf principles and seems to be a very gentle spirit and I joke that either it will be verrrry good for them or they will get expelled! LOL. It is from 830 am till 1 pm.

Casey is doing AMAZING on his medication. He takes a tiny little 18 mg pill called Concerta and he is polite, funny, articulate, patient, reasonable, talkative, insightful, inquisitive, focused, considerate, kind, communicative, and totally awesome for about 10 hours, and then he falls on the floor and breakdances and makes barking noises and whines and kicks and seems out of control, confused, rude, and possessed. (This is when the pill apparently wears off!) He is back to his old self, but it seems "Worse". Perhaps in direct contrast to how he acted all day, or maybe being off the pill is worse than never taking it. We are happy with this pill and I feel like I am building a true deep relationship with my son that I was never able to in 6 years. Perhaps the barking and kicking and backflips had something to do with it?

Not everyone knows this, but we got THIS close to moving to a big house. As in, we were ready to sign the lease, write the check, and a flukey series of events happened and we had a *big talk* and we have decided to stay and make this work. We love our tiny house, we love our town, we need to lay down roots and settle in, and yeah, sharing one toilet sucks, but only a few times a week do esit seem like we all need to "go" at once. I feel good like we are doing the right thing, and we are working hard to come up with "Solutions" to help it be more liveable in here. I am proud, a little disappointed, alot hopeful, and very impressed with my husband's attitude about alot of things. We have a small sunroom thing on the side of our garage and now might be the time to seriously fix it up for play space.

Yesterday was our 13 year wedding anniversary! Very cool. We didnt do anything special but hope to tonight, maybe have a little "date" on the couch. I dunno. Our house is all taken apart for the house-reconfiguration, I am kind of sick to my stomach from antibiotics from an infected tooth, and the romance just wasnt happening yesterday.

So, lots going on and nothing profound to preach. As soon as I get in the homeschool mindset I will let you all know! Enjoy summer!

Girls Don't Brag.

2009-08-07T19:30:00.003-04:00

Inspired almost simultaneously by what I read by Jill at Keyboard Revolutionary AND what I am really noticing "on the playgrounds" this summer, I would like to discuss the phenomenon of Bragging,/Telling, Boasting/Describing and the role it plays in our social interactions. Especially us women.

From a very early age, people like to tell about what they know. Regardless of whether the story recounted will be of interest, and wonderfully free from the notions of offending or resonating with their audience, a young child of either sex will, if you let them, happily tell you about the biggest bubble they ever blew, the highest tree they ever climbed, the most hot peppers they ever ate, the awesomest snowman they ever built, their roller skating trophies, their best drawing, their highest score on Whizzball, and, for the lucky kids who grow up in a "supportive and nurturing" culture or subculture, they will get at least their family members to listen, nod, and share in their joyful news. No matter how small, no matter how relevant to the listener, it is only...polite?...to accept someone's triumphant experience for what it is. Their news. Their news they chose to share with you. And then, like so so so so so many things we weirdly do to children, (and isn't it always around age 5 or so?) the genuine sharing and smiles and unwavering support turns. It turns to slight discomfort. It turns to whispered Shush-ings. It turns into suggestions that Maybe So and So Doesn't Want To Hear That, Sweetie. And oftentimes, it turns into, "Don't say that, dearie, its going to make them feel bad."...Which is right around the corner from DON'T BRAG.

And Don't Brag is the one thing that gets heaped by the truckload onto girls. by the freaking truckload. and by age 7, 8 the little boys on the playground seem to ONLY brag and boast, scarcely listening to each other, so excited to say their own braggy-boast, and the girls are deeply entrenched in the mind games involving Don't Brag, Don't Be Bossy, Don't Show-Off, Do/Don't make so and so feel bad. EVEN IF THEY ARE JUST TELLING A BASIC INFORMATIONAL TALE, THEY TONE IT DOWN FOR BROADRANGE APPEAL AND THE COMFORT THEORETICALLY GAINED BY MEDIOCRITY AND HOVERING NEAR THE MEDIAN. Don't Brag.

And this is what is happening everyday in our lives, and this is what is happening to the women who have a tale to tell about their births. Either good or bad, whether beautiful and empowering (ewww another very scary word) or damaging and completely fucking insanely illegally abusively neglectfully wrong, birth stories just are too much womanly-realm to be acceptable, period.

When bragging is wrong
and boasting is wrong
and bodies are wrong
and complaining is wrong
and calling out our assailants is wrong
and experiencing ecstasy is wrong
and being hurt is wrong
and blood is wrong
and sweat is wrong
and tears are wrong
and strength is wrong
and vulnerability is wrong
and yelling is wring
and crying is wrong
and sex is wrong
and bellies are wrong
and breasts are wrong
and vaginas are wrong
then there is no way to tell anyone's birth story. Ever.

So we must shrug off all of this, no matter how we wince inside, we have to just tell our stories. to other women. To men. Harken back to when you were really, really little, and Grandma or someone really did want to see your worm. your best worm ever. I hope you had that. And if you didn't, well, you need to tell your stories even more, so you can eventually experience acceptance and tolerance of your truth.

and in the meantime...Don't worry about BRAG. the men do it all day, and we call it Sexy Confidence!

Bebe Gloton

2009-08-07T01:05:00.002-04:00

My great friend sends me thoughtworthy stuff all the time, and he forwarded this to me: (Warning! I am pretty sure some other stuff on this page might link you to some other stuff that is definitly rated R/(X?) and I am not guaranteeing anything beyond this article!)

http://worldofwonder.net/2009/08/05/What_Children_Need_Lactating_/

So there is a breastfeeding doll. And it is seen as waaaaay wacko-sicko. Totally "out there". Like it is literally a Blowjob Barbie. Sick! Sick! Sick!, right? Hmmmm... The whole angle and assumption that THIS IS THE ONE SEX ACT WHERE I DRAW THE LINE! is deeply out of touch, first of all. Secondly, right off the bat, there is old comparison to excretory acts such as peeing and messing one's self, and then the entire thing is deemed "hellish". The anger levels in this article are extreme and quite surprising. Thirdly, it gets downright rude and starts using words like tits and the f word, all in the name of, what, good taste and decency for children?

There are SO many lame toys out there, I mean, aisles, and aisles of them--whats so weird about "nursing dolly"--many many babies nurse and many many kids see it all day--my littler ones wouldnt even know what to do with a dolly and plastic bottle---cuz they dont see that. But they might actually get a kick out of a nursing doll--for about 15 minutes, which is the fun-times-shelf-life on any of that idiotic plastic talking crap, anyhow, right? The She Really Burps Pony ends up at the bottom of the ole' toy box in a flash, and the Legos endure and endure...

I guess once anyone spends any time around any nursing moms and realize it isnt secret, exciting, or mysterious, and certainly not nasty but just a part of the day in the life of having babies around, then the shock and titillation would stop quickly. Like living in a nudist camp--the giggles probably stop on day 2. Everyone is freaking naked. Move on. Thats what nursing a baby is. Theres a baby and sometimes it gets hungry and has some boob for a few minutes. I can kinda picture a weary mother of a nursling baby telling the 4 and 6 year olds: Maybe you could give Mommy a little space for ten minutes...and go play nursie with your nursie-dolly. Make her some wooden food and push her in a plastic car---WHO CARES ALL OF A SUDDEN ABOUT TOY QUALITY? HAVE YOU BEEN TO TOYS R US LATELY? ITS ALL COMPLETE TRASH.

Babies, baby bottles, breasts, Dollies that pretend to drink orange juice out of a tiny pink dissapearing bottle, dollies that pretend to breastfeed--its just all part of play and life and its not sick or depraved or ridiculous. Maybe this doll, to some, is little dumb and wierd--but to me so are ALL TALKING ROBOT TOYS--I just dont like them. And BTW, I dont like when my own kids SLURP either--thats not a good latch and it feels and sounds yucky!

: ) What do you all think?

Carrying Charlie Linden

2009-07-30T14:12:00.007-04:00

My 4th baby, Charlie weighed TWELVE pounds when he was born. Twelve. I have so many outrageous memories of his pregnancy, and I have often wondered if my experience wasn't more like a twin pregnancy than a singleton, at that size. Here are a few memories:

Being really big at Greta and Mickey's June birthday party. I had a little fancy non-stretchy cotton blouse top from Motherhood Maternity and it was to the full max. Charlie was born November 1st.

Having to lie on my side constantly, while somehow caring for my own three kids and the 2 I was babysitting. Ages 8 7 5 4 and 1.5...

To make this possible, we rearranged our living room so that we had a futon in full open position right next to the fron t window. We had a big old fashioned porch and we put a sandbox on it and a big babygate in front of the opening to the steps with bungee cords. I would lie on the futon and watch Casey and talk to thim through the window. When we saw the mailman I would shout "just a minute! just a minute!" and one of the kids would run out and have the mailman hand our mail over the babygate to them.

The side-lying was about the Pubis Synphasis Disorder that came from carrying such a big child after vaginally delivering an eleven pound child less than 2 years before. My pregnancy with Charlie was the worst case of this I had, despite the fact that it usually gets worse with each pregnancy. I could not sit up on my bones. It would be like jumping on a broken ankle. You just can't do it. When you're pregnant you can't lie on your front, and you can't lie on your back, and I couldn't sit, so....I could stand and lie on my side!

The first twinges of wondering if this was a very big baby came when we went out to eat for my birthday April 3rd and we had to leave the restaurant because I couldn't get comfortable enough in the basic restaurant wooden chair to even eat my meal. April third. Born in November. *sigh*

I had only experienced getting pregnant in the fall and having a baby in the summer. So getting pregnant at the beginning of the year was really significantly different. It was dark and bleak and cold out. I would gag everytime cold air got in my mouth and our winter plans were immediately cancelled due to Mommy is barfing or asleep. We never went back to a homeschool co-op we went to one time, and we never sledded or skated or did anything. I remember February as Girl Scout Cookie Time for Greta's troop and driving around as a family one Saturday delivering all the cookies, and pulling over to throw up in the blackened road side snow, exhaust going into my face, the descriptions on the cookie boxes in the backseat mocking me with their descriptions, each word more gross and woozy than the next--minty! buttery! rich! peanuty! ohhhhhh so so gross.

I remember an inordinate amount of energy going into us not telling anyone I was expecting, and how negative that experience was.

This was my first experience with (I'm so sorry baby Charlie! We of course couldn't imagine life with out you now!) not being overjoyed at finding out I was pregnant. This was also my first time not "peeing on the stick" with Steve right there outside the bathroom door. I did it in private on a Sunday evening when spaghetti dinner smelled yucky (again) and my boobs were sting-y and my newly upstarting period hadn't been around for a while. It went positive and I got covered in chills and I smiled and I had tears in my eyes and I came and politely ate a little spaghetti. For the baby. The Baby??? Oh good Lordie. We already have a baby, and a little one at that--Casey was 17 months old and nursing 'round the clock.

I didn't tell Steve until Thursday. It was a very strange and new experience keeping this secret from him. I am not good at keeping silent, as I am not the stew and brew and contemplate type. I did it for many reasons, some of which are still unknown to me. But I could feel that this not telling him was somehow a big deal. I tried to experience holding the secret as an intimate exercise in personal growth and empowerment. I tried to think of holding a little egg-ball thing somewhere deep in my belly and visualizing my secret as something peach and fuzzy and watery and minuscule and enormous and full of potential and nothingness as well. Exhaustion and nausea and winter's darkness made that a truly psychedelic week of primordial ooze and otherworldly wonder and worry.

It got to the point where I was so all encompassed with my secret that I couldn't really believe people, my husband at least, couldn't tell. Empowerment and quiet knowing took only a handful of days to turn into resentment (at nighttime nursing, at stinky foods, at changing not only my own toddler but the babysat toddler's diapers, at any and all suggestions that I do anything that took any effort whatsoever...) By the evening of the fifth day I had to come out with it. I had been teary-eyed and completely weird all week. I was very weird in how I told Steve. It was basically a really shameful female head trippy sideways passive aggressive bit that involved me smiling all freaky and asking him how could he just act like he doesnt know and...it was really uncool. I wasn't able to see at that point whatsoever that a lot of this was about me fearing he would not think this was good news. Or to be very hind-sight is 20/20, me putting all of my own trepidation and guilt onto him somehow. Because I was not "excited". I was already to the throws of morning sickness (all day) by then and there just isn't anything to do but hang on for the horrible boat ride. I was *this* close to thinking tiny, tiny, teeny little thoughts about miscarriage. Not abortion. Just....a kind of quick terrible little thought when I went to the bathroom and peeked for blood on the undies (like I assume every single woman does every single time she pees, there they are, right between your knees, you look, right?) and I just had this fleeting thought about how I have been almost too lucky in never having had a miscarriage and how maybe I might, and how if I did, we would not even consider pregnancy for like 2 years and...just little stuff like that. Normal terrible secret little stuff. But no blood, not one speck. A baby is surely coming. As sure as tomorrow being as nauseating as today. As sure as knowing you will "have the flu until summer" is in February. Heavy stuff.

Being pregnant while mothering an EXTREMELY INDESCRIBABLY hyper 18 month old was just horrid. I could see that there would be no cuddly loaf-y afternoons of Blue's Clues and hummus, no cozy coloring books while Mama semi-dozed, no mother and baby swim class with Panera afterwards. I was the proud owner of a full time daycare and the mother of a real live monkey--and this was scary.

The pregnancy mosie-d along, and it was a long year. We eventually told everyone, and --eh--the reactions were about par for the course. A lot of the relatives who literally pretended I did not just have a homebirth a year and a half ago were now stumbling over themselves with the "Whos yer doctor--or--whatever--" kinds of stuff. No one saw my homebirth with Casey as a success story, as a triumphant VBAC, or as anything fit for discussion, really. So there I was with my big belly and truly feeling ignored, left out of even the most basic polite conversations. No what do you think your having, nothing. I think they were so scared I was going to talk about Homebirth that they just couldn't deal with me as human.

(I didn't start blogging until Charlie was 12 weeks old. I was very closeted as a birth-junkie, and nobody besides a few few people knew how passionate I was about homebirth, midwifery, or what my homebirth of Casey meant to me. My fault, nobody's fault, just how I did stuff back then.)

I remember taking oodles of baths later in the pregnancy. Sometimes 3 a day. We got a pool in the summer and I liked it but it wasn't super deep and so I would sit in it and Casey would jump on my belly and it kind of was awkward. But after my tepid baths or my times in the pool, there would be a nice hour or so when my feet weren't swollen and my legs weren't swollen and my Braxton-Hicks stopped.

Oh man speaking of Braxton-Hicks...I was EIGHT WEEKS pregnant and I decided I had to take my own kids and the babysitting kids to Home Depot to buy a big rug for the front porch. it was the first springish weather and I wanted to get these kids out on the porch for some freshness. So there I was, pushing the cart through Home Depot and I had that bladder-cramping, pulling hard feeling because I was briskly walking. Are you kidding me? Braxton Hicks? I stopped walking, drank some water, and it stopped. As soon as I started walking again it started up. Eight weeks pregnant. I feared twins.

By July, I was a huge, huge, when are you having that baby, lady? huge. We went to music in the park with my sister and her son, and I stayed at the blanket when the kids all went down to the dancing part. I couldn't walk that far and be expected to make it back to the car later! July. For all I know Charlie did weigh 6 or 7 pounds by then, I really looked and felt 9 months pregnant. July.

Charlie's due date came and went, and his October 20th due date blurred into a Halloween labor and an All Saint's Day birth of the second biggest baby that particular doctor ever delivered.

So that was a bit of what it was like to have a twelve pound baby so soon after an eleven pound baby. I promised you all I'd write about his birth and I will. Someday.

This is just so, so good.

2009-07-29T23:06:00.003-04:00

Not hilarious, not amusing, simply brilliant post. A consent form for the doctor. If I had the wherewithall, I would distribute these like hotcakes.

Kudos, Kudos, Kudos.

How did you ever shop before you knew me? ;)

2009-07-24T20:50:00.008-04:00

Here are some fab new products I have tried lately:

Clearasil Blackhead Eraser. This is a little creepy vibrator that you velcro little soap-laden pads onto and scrub your face with. It takes like ONE treatment to have a whole new face. Its insane. I look better than when I was 25. Ok maybe 28. I guess I just needed to scrape and fry off the top layer of my face. Who knew? Under 20 bucks, any drugstore.

Axe Body Detailer. A buff-puff of sorts marketed to men. My husband got it and I quickly became obsessed with moving beyond the face to scouring off my whole body. Whats with the new cultural obsession with exfoliation and why didnt we all do this sooner? I fricking LOVE it. My wierd dry arms feel like some fake-ly soft stripper or something. See, why do I have to say stripper? Why cant I just say SOFT? Because I am not depressed anymore--you should be happy about it! Anyhow, buy this, it was like 4 bucks.

***While youre already in that aisle, get your man the Red Axe body wash. All the rest smell like some nightclub perv from 1991 but the red one smells like oh my god black pepper and sunshine and cinnamon or something...dude its yummy. Or use it on yourself, I definitely am ok with smelling like a yummy cinnamon guy now and again.

Krusteaz instant pancake mix. At Costco and Sams Club. this is not only a just-add-water pancake mix that actually tastes good, but it is cheap! You get this enormous bag that you can barely lift for like 7 bucks. The pancakes are puffy and golden and you can jazz them up with apples and cinnamon, etc. Do not be afraid to buy this, you WILL go through it all. Just add water! Do you realize that that means no matter how poor you get, you can have yummy pancakes and be this cool fun mom who does pancakes for dinner? Im just sayin'...

Also, just an all-out plug for an intensely righteous website with all things amazing and gorgeous and perfect: http://www.shanalogic.com/ Who is this person and why has she tapped into my every dream of cuteness? Hooray! I am already begging for the acorn necklace---it is very difficult for me to look at this website without screaming and squealing. Just warning ya. Dont wake your baby when you see this stuff. Clasp your hand over your mouth as you run for the debit card. (Is it just me?)

Well thats all for the reviews 2-nite. Please share your own experiences with any of these or any other products, good bad or otherwise!

Housefairy is alive

2009-07-24T20:23:00.004-04:00

Where did that breathless fun blogger go? You know, the one who blabbered on incessantly about Birth and Makeup and Fashion and Family and Rock and Roll and Hair and Sex and Body Image and DIY everything and Budgets and Houses and Beauty Supplies and Indie Films and Breasts and Bellies????

She went down that slippery scary waterslide of hormones and sleep deprivation and poverty and insecurity and depression and self doubt and fear and death and pain and loss and change and growth and lack of basic everything and there just was no place for Blue Hair or Cherry Skirts or Guitar Amps or Slurpees or Homeschool Tips or Nursing Bras for Tall Moms or Painting Little Chairs With Bluebirds and Smiley Clouds or Clever Quips or, most sadly of all, any insight whatsoever into Birth-Related-Anything. Nada. Zip. And when she got into her car alone, she did not BLAST The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, she usually just cried.

A little hand reached up out of the water that she splashed down hard into at the bottom, the bleak-as-hell-rock-bottom of the waterslide and she got a hold of some Zoloft. That helped tremendously. Then people sent her and gave her a few things that literally, LITERALLY, saved her and her family from actual homelessness. Food. Books. Gift Cards. Loving emails that she never write back to, but held in her heavy heart as she tried to sleep at night. Unheard of patience and generosity and support. A little lifeboat made out of tiny antidepressant pills and donated food and good reading material, and kind emails and phone calls, she floated on while her own Mother died in her arms.

July kind of has floated around, and past, and yet its still there. And Zoloft got to be a little too cocoon-y and fuzzy and although it cut the sharp pain of the depression, it also left her pretty vapid. Nice for a while, but not truly a lifestyle, but more of a warm and neutered quilt. Now she is on Wellbutrin. Now she has to watch her temper again, and she has to get sleep and eat right and now she can cry hard and now she can laugh hard and now she can remember stuff and now she can read and now she can write and now she can enjoy sex (*uncool uncool side effect of zoloft...youre finally not depressed but you have the sexuality of a piece of clay*) and all that stuff is really important for Living, not just making it through.

So, faithful, faithful blog people: She is me and I am her and I am back and although I am without a mother now, I am happily moving right on through this incredibly hard period quite swimmingly! I cannot thank you all enough, anonymouses and acknowledged friends, for all you have done for me. I PROMISE to pay it forward.

High on it

2009-07-16T11:34:00.002-04:00

Ah, my Jill. Go read her cool post! Then send this link and other stories like it to the nearest ignoramus who tries to compare your natural childbirth ecstacy to dental work or other idiotic misinformed yucky medical events.

Hello

2009-07-14T10:15:00.002-04:00

Well a alot has gone on but I havent felt like blogging...thank you for reading this and not forgetting me!

I bypassed the system and took Casey to the pediatrician and got him on Concerta. It is a stimulant medication for ADHD. It seemed to be helping tremendously for a couple of days but now I dont know. He is on a microscopic dose and can go up 2 more levels if needed. If you are freaked out or shaking your head at me thinking I am doping my kid, all I can say is that I understand and I felt like that too before ?I was a parent of a child with this disorder.

The ahndouts they gave me about what can happen to your kid of they do NOT get treatment were what really hit home for us to decide to try it. Besides the ominous and somewhat...to me...not the number one issue...claims of poor school "performance", there was alot about car crashes and drugs and prison and I tell you what it was all the stuff I thought in my bed as I tried to picture someone so impulsive and hyper growing up--what kind of life will he have, etc.

The two days we had that were super, he was a five year old boy. Not sluggish not doped not boring or "sitting still", just a nice boy who chatted my head off all day and did NOT hit me with branches, break dishes, run across the street and not tell anyone, not kick the cat, not pour juice on the floor in the bathroom on purpose, not squeeze glue into the heater vents. He talked and talked and talked to me and was really fun and rational and thoughtful. He asked permission to do stuff, he apologized when he spilled or knocked something over, we read books, we started a little sticker chart, it was amazing. But the past three days he has been mean and hyper and impulsive again. This will be an ongoing thing with the doctor ?I am sure but that glimpse of how it could be was really heartwarming.

Eska had a mysterious fever for 6 days that had her at the doctor 3 times. They ended up giving her 3 shots of a broad-spectrum antibiotic which immediatrly ended the fever. But we still dont know what her deal was.

Mickey and Greta are fighting alot, the first time in their lives. Greta is playing the role of exasperated older person and he is playing the role of non communicative pouty spaz. Sigh.

I dont know what we are doing in the fall but we are NOT all five kids gonna be home with Mama. i am looking at a Waldorf day school for ages 3 to 6 on Friday. For Casey and Charlie to go a couple days a week. The lady was SO cool on the phone but avoided my questions about pricing so I am already worried it will be unaffordable.

There is also public kindergarten for Casey, or Mickey, and Gretas best friend goes to a charter junior high about 15 miles from here that sounds really open minded (you can have purple hair and listen to ipods! woo woo).

I also am considering just having lots of activities, and being some car mom who is always driving the kids somewhere. but something has to give. This blows right now-- all of them floundering and bickering and loafing and complaining.

I wish with all my heart that there was 2 or three days a week school. Ive said it a million times. maybe 9 to 3, no homework.
Advice?

Love to all,
Joy

2009-07-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

My beautiful mom passed away Tuesday night after nearly a 9 year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 59. I was there with her when she died. She suffered for so long with tumors and surgeries and chemos and I know for sure now that she is no longer suffering. I do not have anything eloquent to say yet, but thank you to everyone who has offered us help, it means so much.

Rest in peace, truly, Mom.

tiny update

2009-06-30T17:55:00.003-04:00

We got Casey into community mental health last week and they said "cut and dried, ADHD." I was relieved and feel hopeful about medication, which they feel could help him "dramatically, witthin hours". But we don't get to see "the doctor" until AUGUST 12TH!!! grrrr. Long summer of him breaking everything and exhausting all of us.

My beautiful mom is not long for this world...spending every possible moment at her hospital. Her husband made the wise decision (he had no choice, she tried to get up every 5 minutes, 'round the clock, couldn't take meds any more, and basically lost her mind...he didnt sleep for weeks...) to bring her to a respite care place late last week, where they are doing everything they can to help her transition be comfortable. Shudder.

Never ever imagined having to literally watch her die. It is harrowingly sad and disturbing and traumatizing. Going back tonight. Jumping at every phone call. Wanting her to just finally be at peace but dreading IT with all my might. No appetite, in a fog.

Free Range

2009-06-23T09:08:00.001-04:00

Thanks to a link via Facebook from Pamamidwife, I found this blog. It is about letting kids ummmm live? Go outside? Not feel like they are going to get "stolen" everytime we run back into the house for our coffee we forgot?

What do y'all think? I think its great.

So much has transpired

2009-06-22T21:29:00.003-04:00

So much has gone on in a week or so, I will attempt to share a bit of it with you. First on my mind and in the hearts of everyone is my mother, who in about ten days time has gone from coherent and weak to completely out of it, and a skeletal ghost. She speaks as though in a dream state and I will never again have a conversation with her. This has not sunken in at all and I have been by to care for her, to spell off my stepfather from his 24-7 devoted care, and to just pet and kiss her and chat to her, though she cant tell me anything that makes any sense at all, she doesnt seem frustrated, just like someone sleepwalking, sleep talking is the best way I can describe her now. Its just about the saddest thing I can describe, and I did not not expect this to go this way, if that makes any sense.

I got on an antidepressant, Zoloft, and I will certainly impress upon all depressed mothers to CONSIDER THIS if you can, if you need to--I will not buy into any shame or guilt, if "working out all your issues" is what you want to do for the next 50 years, by all means, go for it, but this helps, too, immensely, and does not need to replace any inner psychology stuff. Meditate, journal, pray, reflect, read, grow, think, see therapists, thats all good stuff, too. But I didnt have 50 years. And Im gonna tell, ya, it didnt take "six to eight weeks" it took about a day and a half to feel significantly better. I HATE SECRETS KEPT FROM MOTHERS! Its no one's f-ing business whats in your purse or your medicine cabinet so if you wanna get on some anti depressants, DO IT. I am deciding to NOT be secretive about it, because, I love you-all and well, frankly, it is just too obvious the way I was writing and they way I am writing that something changed. So, get some help if you need to.

So, How does it make me feel? Like I am NOT buzzing with helpless rage, like I am NOT confused and overwhelmed, like my skin is NOT electrified with nervous tension, like my toddler spilling a cheerio is NOT a big deal or a day ruin-er. I feel more comfortable, more at ease, well rested, intelligent, clear minded, rational, and able to do the things that need to be done. Not all fake ahppy, just stable. Functional; I have done some work with our "budget", I have made an appointment for Casey to see a counselor, I have contacted our utility companies, I have cleaned and taken care of the home----did you all know I was not able to do any of this for some time now, mostly just crying and shaking and obsessing about my "bad and ruined" children?
So, Zoloft. And I also got 2 different anxiety pills to be taken as needed. They havent been needed more than 2 or 3 times and I probably wont need them. One is Xanax--the big famous xanax, I thought it would turn me into some 1950's sedative Mom but it didnt. I felt a little tired, but not sleepy. The other one is Klonopin. This one is a doozy, but before I got on the zoloft, I was wringing my hands and gasping for breath walking back and forth in my kitchen--so if anything like that happens again I would take this. But it puts you to sleep. Take at night if you are really freaking out AND you have a husband who would be "on call".

We are still up in the air about Casey and school/daycare. The little daycare up the street (the one thats so nice and the lady cooks the kids organic meals and encourages you to drop in anytime and the "Tumble-Bus" comes once a week...) is twenty bucks a day. Twenty! Less than a babysitter. So we dont have any money but yet......maybe for July, even, you know? They want a health check and shot records and that alone would have sent me into a self pitying panic attack but now (that I am on Zoloft) I feel like hey, ok, Ill call the pediatrician in the morning.

I have to stop right now and give a huge thank you and mention of the generosity that our friends near and far have bestowed upon us this past week or so, as well. Babysitting, long hours on the phone, kind sympathies, food and diapers, and surprise gifts for the kids' birthdays which were extremely uncharacteristically uncelebrated this year-they ended up with some really kind surprises and cash that they are being quite frugal with--we will have some kind of little summer party at some point, but we just cant right now, and yet I know that each of them ended up not feeling like they didnt get anything special, so thank you everyone for advice and thoughtfulness and just being steadfast, etc : )

This weekend we got a new cat! The Humane Society has waived their adoption fees for adult cats for a little while and we found a sweet black kitty--I have always wanted a little black cat, everytime I see him I just smile, he is so pretty and shiny. We read up extensively on "how to introduce a cat to another cat" but in truth, it took less than an hour for our dear Sonic to accept him and they are good pals already. I am really glad we found such a nice one--although I really love cats, I am strangely picky about what kinds I dont find very cute--well this little guy is just adorable--we dont know what to name him yet. Soon!

We still have a long, long way to go in our child training. We have some very very bad habits that have been going on for a while now, and I have allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated, to put it mildly, by screeching little boys, by ridiculous hijynx not only at mealtime but bedtime, cartime, schooltime.....yes.

We have a long way to go. But I do feel stronger and happy in my decision to get some medication. I dont know if I will be blogging or not for a bit. My heart is with my mom, and on putting my family back together through these strange times of economic hardship and change. Love and peace and clarity to everyone--
be safe--
Joy

pop on pop off

2009-06-19T09:53:00.003-04:00

As an actual mother who has actually breastfed "exclusively" and "on demand" five babies for many many years, I have not ever thankfully put much stock into anything written on the subject by professionals, and by that I mean anyone who is not a mama with a baby on her breast.

As my friend Trish once said "Schedule? Yeah, she comes up for air every four hours!" I liked that one.

Perhaps as in so many mysterious things about motherhood that "they" dont tell us...like what does labor feel like and how much do you nurse a newborn, it is kept under wraps for our own good. So we dont get scared and say hey ya know what, I was gonna have a baby but I think Ill just join a ska band instead. But of course, like all secrets and lies, they end up hurting the intended protectee exponentially, because now she feels weird, which is alienating, which is depressing, which is uncool.

So, how many times a day do you "feed your baby"? Good old Hathor has a nice little comic about it. Here it is. As for me, Eska has had a sip or two probably 12 times already this morning, but then decided that the squirrely out the window or the cheerio stuck to my shirt or her brothers shouts were more interesting and *POP* off she went a-scrambling. Did those constitute as "feeds"? Who cares?

Charlotte Mason dreams

2009-06-17T22:36:00.002-04:00

I have really stumbled onto some great stuff today, huh?

Heres another gem: a blog devoted to using Ann Botsford Comstock's Handbook of Nature Study. We have had this book for 7 years but as much as its turn of the century wording warms my heart, have we used it? Not really. Well some thoughtful soul has put together some lesson plans using it.

Technology is officially so so good to me today.

Blog, She Wrote

2009-06-17T22:27:00.002-04:00

Blog, She Wrote. Its a blog that has me all choked up because she is doing everything I was getting ready to do until I got pregnant with missy-moo.

Bless you, cool science Mama who uses Five In A Row (FIAR)

I am feeling the slightest tingle of hope and inspiration for fall. Cant wait to delve in! She did ALOT of the work for me. Soooo cool!

boysie stuff

2009-06-17T22:08:00.002-04:00

Very interesting thread on MDC about Boys and homeschooling...really made me smile. My boys each had two baths today, it was a filthy good day, and all after 5 pm! Two parks and a big walk--and a new toad found by Casey as a present to Greta! He was so pleased to give it to her and she loves it.

Of course there are wild n wiggly girls and calm and bookish boys. Duh.

u.p. homeschooler advocate

2009-06-17T15:32:00.000-04:00

A well put blurb from someone up in Munising:

As for homeschooled children: I happen to know many parents who have homeschooled their children. What I have seen is children who are homeschooled often have a greater knowledge base when it comes to history, geography, the law, classical literature and music, actual useable mathematics and algebra and geometry. They seem to be more in control of their emotions as well and most have not been exposed to "trash". By "trash", I am not talking about people, I am talking about ideas and concepts which are imparted through the schools either by other kids (some of who may be troubled) or by teachers and the system itself. These homeschooled kids are not "indoctrinated" by any "right-wing radicals" or other such nonesense. Most of the homeschooled kids I know have gone on to major universities and become doctors, lawyers and just about anything anyone could wish to become. They are not fruitloops or lunatics who cannot think for themselves, unlike some of the publicly schooled kids who are simply "followers" of any given crowd. Many colleges and universities SEEK OUT homeschooled children because these children test high, are well disciplined and are self-disciplined when it comes to studying.
Are there some parents who do a poor job of homeschooling? I'm sure there are. But I would rather have one parent teaching poorly one or two of their children than one teacher teaching poorly hundreds of students.
I just wish I had made the decision to homeschool my children....and from what they've told me, they wish the same.

Diginity? Why, indeed

2009-06-17T14:55:00.003-04:00

This is an intensely gorgeous photo montage (very discreet nothing rated even pg) of a lovingly supported homebirth.

What I want people to think about is, truly, how different this is from the hospital. the birthcenter. Anyone of those. How truly, truly, qualitatively different. and HELL Y_E_S, BETTER.

Better better better. So all of you who have grown wishy washy about homebirth, grown jaded or tired or lost some of your fire or passion for this, for women, for families, shut up and think for one moment how very very different this is from the other ways.

Thank you.

brainstorm

2009-06-17T10:29:00.002-04:00

I think I should brainstorm how I want our homeschool to be. And I think I should do it on this blog. Because the thought process might strike a chord with others, might show people with one or two kids how different it is with five, might cause someone with 9 kids to tell me no no no, might be something to look back upon.

Alot of my dreams and ideas are all tangled up in nostalgia, and that has been a very pervasive and persistently life-draining emotion for me for literally the last 5 years. And I am trying to slowly pick through what is nostalgia for something actually experienced and what is nostalgia for just being in my twenties and having it all be still an open wide field of dreams. Painful, painful nostalgia and regret and guilt....blech such a wierd depressive type I am. Why cant I be the loss of appetite stay up all night writing cool songs type? ; ) kidding.

We have quite alot of things coming up, and it all feels like a big hill that we are climbing whether we want to or not: My mother is rapidly dying now, and with this impending loss will be a flurry of activity and I have no experience with such things, blessed has been my life devoid of any deaths whatsoever. My grandmother is also very ill and in hospital and is going to be most likely going into some kind of nursing home out of state to be under the care of my aunt--so coming to grips with the real fact that no, I am not driving up to see her "any weekend now" is hurting my throat like a stone clamp.

After these events, there will be the question of money. Will be be able to afford some part time day care babysitting preschool for the littler boys? Math tutor? Music lessons? Sports? Swimming? Ice skating? Curriculum of some kind, even just a few things? Some maps and atlases? Paint and brushes, a printer with ink, zoo passes, camping, bicycles? We are still hoping things turn around financially but I cant pretend to assume anything about inheritances. We job hunt. We scrimp. We hope our landlord is more patient than the electric company. We take
Casey to the medicaid psychologist and hope they help us all deal with the chaos.

But still I dream. I dream of the day when my children sit with me around the table and we do our lessons. Not all day everyday. But when I say so. I am a really really fun mom and I have so many wonderful ideas. Too bad lately just trying to vaguely vaguely make it through breakfast diaper change nursing re diaper change fighting spilling crying nursing can i make eggs myself mama whoopsie kid running out in mud fighting nursing be quiet for the baby goddamnit you woke her up im hungry again can i use a hammer wheres charlie diaper change choking phone calls spills fighting im hungry again no we arent having pop it is 930 am...........is just not cool.

i never ever meant for it to get this way but 99% of homeschool is relationship between the parent and child. So when that is out of whack then the little books sit on the shelf and just mock you.

So I will brainstorm. Thats all I can do for now.

diets

2009-06-17T08:18:00.002-04:00

Ok one more:
This post about not dieting is great. Because even though I got into some anorexia stuff with counting calories and depriving myself and hating myself and all that in college, for the most part I have stayed away from those head games. My body disturbs me only when I am depressed. but really, I feel good. I feel medium. I feel totally ok. I feel like this has been my size for many many years, I havent yo-yo'd, There was a body I had before I got pregnant with baby #1 and there is this body. It was vaguly a toned size 14 to a smooshy size 18. But I am a busy woman with alot on my plate, and I eat well. I dont lay in bed with donuts, I dont sneak in the night to horf down ice creams, I really dont do any kind of crazy bingey stuff. But I like my head to be not floating off and so I like hearty meals, and I eat lots of vegetables, and lots of good homemade stuff and I eat about as much as Greta does--one big plate. So this is me, and there is not one iota of room in this Mama for added stress of self hate. Self love would be awesome, and its there, too, but mostly I am trying to run a family and thats enough work for me.

I dont begrudge my friends who diet, who have had surgeries, who yo-yo. I totally understand. But for me, right now, it would be the absolute ticket to the looney bin if I was adding self hate kinds of stuff to the pile.

Women of size

2009-06-17T08:11:00.003-04:00

Oooh a new blog! I needed this one! It is a wonderful blog about plus size women and the issues they face in the maternity system, as well as all kinds of positive stuff, too. Please check it out, especially her waterbirth labeled posts. The Well Rounded Mama. And thank you Pamela for the original link. Lots of good reading ahead...

From one "obese" Mama who had an hbac, and for whom laboring in water helped a great deal...kudos!

cool

2009-06-15T15:22:00.003-04:00

Well today I just got one little step closer to getting some help for Casey! I went through the community mental health 45 minute intake interview and she said that yes absolutely he qualifies for assistance and he has an appointment next week with someone!

When Casey is in treatment and hopefully the rest of us can all be counseled, will be a victory for me against all the folks who dismissed our concerns about this child and the beginning of the new way of working positively with him as a family unit! We love you Casey, more than you will ever know....I have a feeling we will look back on these early years with laughter someday. I cannot wait for you to feel things normally and to be able to interact with your environment in a safe and sane way. Your going to go far, my little sweetheart! If you need medication, then so be it. If you just need some new techiques, we will try them all!

They got weird with me when I said I needed help for postpartum depression so I called back and said I have (regular old) depression and now I get to have an intake interview too. Just waiting for the phone call.
Phew.

Cool conversation with male friend link

2009-06-15T15:19:00.002-04:00

Jill rocks! This is such a cool post! I want to enlighten people who are really interested and curious like this! Great one, Mama!

Happy 9th Birthday Mickey!!!!

2009-06-13T08:15:00.005-04:00

We love you so much, sweet funny Mickey! You are our firstborn son and a ray of sunshine. Yes, the carrots turned your eyes golden, and your little heart, too! Hope you have a wonderful day!

2009-06-12T11:18:00.002-04:00

Humor. Who am I without humor? Humor is how I show people I am "ok", how I make people feel at ease, how folks end up coming to me at parks and places, who am I now without my humor?

Children. I have surronded myself with them, devoted my life to them, worked with them and for them and studied them and followed them. who am I now that my children are unrecognizably poorly behaved? who am I now that I am no longer fun or curious, and every morsel and item in my home and practically everywhere else just breaks my heart with this regretful nostalgia?

Creativity and the arts. Who am I now that there isnt one single moment in the day to do anything besdies weep and weep as I stare in horror at my 2 little boys and the things they do. When do I paint play guitar cut hair draw pictures write stories. Never is when.

Hope. Who am I now without my boundless optimism? All my ideas are coming up against obstacles and I cant get even an afternoon to make all these #$%#$% phone calls to community mental health and schols and daycares and food stamps and shut off notices.

Money. How does anyone live without money. We might have to live in our church bus. But how?

Death. My mom is dying and I am spending the day with her Sunday. I dont even know if she will remember it. Oh wait. That doesnt even make any sense. I find myself thinking about how people afford funeral clothes for 7 people. Shes all dehydrated and her hospice nurse told me she cant give her an IV of glucose cause her body doesnt want food or drink anymore. But my mom says she is thirsty and hungry and its all i can do to not lose my mind with empathy as she lays there on her couch and i think of the hospitals and their crazy lack of humanity towards me when i needed just a few comfort items and was denied them...and when i just could have used one person at my bedside to advocate for me but he had to be home with the other kids cause my big baby shower sign up list didnt really guarantee me anything besides false hope.

Im bringing my mom popsicles and good music.

six eleven

2009-06-10T10:07:00.009-04:00

Happy Birthday, Eska-Angel!

Doing this project (blogger photo uploading is theraputically slow, eh!) destoyed by ability to even feel remotely depressed tonight. Incredible year, incredible baby, isnt photography one of the most amazing inventions ever?

Love all 'round...

Joy

Wednesday (still not wise but wishing)

2009-06-10T08:15:00.002-04:00

My wish list right now:

Wellbutrin and Xanax so I can be stable and kind and patient.
Cloth diapers so my babies can be in softness so the Earth can be free of our nasty diapers so we can save money and so I can feel nice about things and so Charlie will try the potty! (I am convinced this super sta-dri stuff makes them not give a damn)
the parenting tools to help my little Casey and Charlie without yelling when they get so wound up I think they might spin right out the front door in a whirlwind of broken glass
a place for them to go a few mornings a week
bicycles for Greta and Mickey, a bike for me with a baby trailer and helmets all 'round.
a little swimming pool
reconnection with Greta and Mickey before its too late
enough money to have basic needs met. like pay the rent, the utilities and have food. Yes its that bad right now.
some kind of way back to the parenting and mothering I used to be all about--minus the regret and guilt and sadness, please. (I cant even look at the Charlotte Mason books on the shelf without searing choking tears and shutting throat and heart palpitations--can there be PTSD for failed homeschool dreamers?)
a miracle cure for my mom who is dying and help for my grandmother who is being abused and neglected and robbed

ppd update

2009-06-10T07:06:00.004-04:00

Monday night I went to my postpartum depression meeting again. This time there was a mom with her ten day old and her husband, and me and 2 counselors. She took precedence, of course, and I told her how amazing she was for recognizing stuff so early. I think we all helped her. She was 35 and a "control freak" so the first baby really flipped her out. Csection, breastfeeding. I just wanted to drive immediaty to her house and wrap her in a quilt and take good care of her! Her husband was a gentle and kind and cool man but I guess there is her mother who is being awful to them but when it was lightly sugessted that maybe grandma was part of the anxiety there was just no sign in either of them that her being around was an option. I felt bad for her. she had no clue that "it gets better" but she was very against antidepressants. I said I WANT SOME! TODAY!
they laughed. I came across as this funny manic jokester and they think I am doing much better I am afraid. But there is some place I get to call today to maybe get in to a doc w/out health insurance, etc. I will keep you posted!

I had a panic attack Sunday night and I thought I was going to die. And I dont mean that in a "my hair is so ugly I wanna die" I mean like I have felt the grave and the panic at life's ending and trying to scratch up and out of the Earth and get one more chance....terror. terror. terror. Maybe all of this is some kind of punishment for something? I want the meds, I say. No time for self indulgent analysis right now without some kind of bolster. I have 5 little kids who are home all day. and they stare at me. and the guilt is indescribable.

But Monday night reaffirmed for me that I do belong in psychology and I do belong helping mothers. I felt such a strong pull towards that mom and towards her "case". So my life's studies have not been up the wrong tree. Very good to know.

i am taking 3000 iu of vitamin D a day now and my omega 3/6/9 pills twice a day as well as vitamins and minerals blend for women.

better day

2009-06-10T06:57:00.002-04:00

We had a much betetr day with little Casey yesterday. We basically got out of here by 9:30 am and walked across the street to our beautiful park and stayed there until 4pm. It was out of desperation at first, as I was just completley feeling dead done defeated from the throwing pillows, throwing bowls, jumping off the counters, slamming doors, ringing the doorbells---like I was some victim of a mental tortur eexperiment--stop honey! stop! stop!....just insane insane chaos. I grab the baby and take the 3 littlest across the street. The grass was still wet and so were my eyes, thinking I cannot believe Greta's birthday is going to be me crying in a park....but by 10 am the sun was warm and the boys who were literally killing each other at home were digging in the sand, side by side, having a decent little conversation.

Eska wants to toddle all around and so I follow her. she eats less woodchips and cig butts than even a few weeks ago, and actually goes does slides by herself! She is quite brave. Greta and Mickey came over and we had a nice day. I met a mom who told me some pretty crappy stuff about the local public school I have been wanting to send Casey to, and it gave me a scary reality check. I want to send him and maybe Charlie to this very small private daycare up my street, they take ages 6 months to 6 years. It is just about playing and having a nice time, not agendas and curriculum standards and shoving kids into stupid milestones just to get funding for the new ceiling tiles or whatnot. But we dont have the money. any money. I dare not discuss on here how dire it is right now, but certainly its scary/depressing/bad in and of itself.

I will just take each day as it comes, and try so hard to...just live at a park if thats what it takes until....until....I dont know?

my baby is 12

2009-06-09T09:04:00.006-04:00

Well, dear readers, it was 12 years ago today that I was hooked up to the pitocin, ready but not ready at all to become a mother....pit at 6 am, cranked up hourly until they broke my water at 11 am, immediate pain and me curled up on my side crying with my eyes shut gripping the lifeboat that the tiny hopital bed rails had become, wishing I had packed a shotgun instead of whatever goofy stuff the books had told me to pack...then the epidural angel came and I was sitting up and chatting with Steve, pinching my legs under the blankets and wishing I had the opportunity to get a tattoo so numb...then I thought I had to go to the bathroom and when we asked for a nurse assistance she "checked me" and then the big lights came down from the sky to glare upon my bum and they all slapped broccoli stinky masks on ym faceand urged me to push! push! push like youre gonna have a bowel movement, honey! Good! Good! Good! Push! no! yes! yes! thats great! wow a lot of hair, here she is! its a girl!

tears of total confusion and happiness. a girl a girl oh thank god shes so fat and purple-pink and slimy

they took her over to the warmer or something and they started their crotch surgery and gimme a few more pushes honey for the placenta and then wrappy wrap youre all wrapped up heres your blanket baby do you wanna try and feed her?

?!?!?!?

It was so crazy. But I was happy. I was gonna name her Eva, or Eva-Kate, or Greta, or Elsa. Someone said "Eva sounds like Evil" (this was before the Eva craze plus we were gonna pronounce it Ava but this was before the Ava craze) so I just went with Greta. Greta Katherine. No reason at all, just sounded awesome to me and Steve.

I was on magnesium sulfate for another 24 hours after the delivery so I felt really hot and ill but I had no idea it was from that--they never told me--so when they took it out, I felt SO AWESOME! Except my poor coochie. Oh god what had become of me. The pain was very disturbing and I could barely move around in the bed. But the baby was soooooooooooooooo cute and I was feeling so clear headed and proud, that I just hoped it would heal someday.

We had her on a Monday and I had to stay until Thursday. So we enjoyed our time and she nursed and looked so cute. I was 22 and this was kind of all I really thought about the whole thing--bless my heart--she is so cute, I cant wait to dress her in cool clothes, ow my poor crotch, I cant wait to give her hairdo's, I want some taco bell, I look so skinny....such is the young mind.

We brought her home and did the classic drive 25 in the right lane thing. The world seemed dangerous and oblivious to miracles. We got up into our tiny upper flat and took her out of the bucket and watched TV together. Steve's parents bought us an air conditioner for our front window and she had a big black meconium blow-out on the couch and we gave her some ramshackle bath in a little bathtub on the floor and it was hard to dress her. Steve went to work the very next day and my milk came in and it was kind of rough. My mom brought me into the hospital for a blood pressure check and that trip wiped me out pretty bad. Some friends tried to come over that night and I got weepy.

But literally, I was be-bopping within 2 weeks, taking her up north to my grandmas, shopping, everywhere.

Happy birthday Greta angel. You have always been so ridiculously good, I will never know what I did to deserve you!

2009-06-07T18:48:00.002-04:00

As is everything in life, its all intertwined. And among it all is our Casey. Who we have known was different since he was about 5 months old.
We have been "dealing with" our son's behavioral problems/developmental anomalies, scared, but so so so busy, among new babies and c sections and new houses and money problems and dying relatives and homeschooling philosophies all washing down the drain, dead ends with books and vitamins and utter lack of ability to really get to the point where there is a therapist or a pill....so many well intentioned peoples, authors, strangers' advice that all kind of melt together and feel like one big horrid mish-mosh of HE IS JUST A SPIRITED LITTLE CHILD YOU GUYS SUCK YOU ARE REALLY BAD PARENTS HOW CAN YOU BLAME YOUR LIFES PROBLEMS ON A LITTLE CHILD, HE'S JUST A CHILD FOR GOD'S SAKE....mixed with the very real experience of now being on the other side of that great divide at the park and the mall and the restaurant and for a few short weeks, the school system to the tune of OOOH STAY AWAY FROM THAT BAAAAD KID/WHO WOULD LET THEIR CHILD CLIMB ON THE TOP OF THE MONKEY BARS/WHY DOES THAT BOY HAVE A GIANT BRANCH/COME ON HONEY LETS GET AWAY FROM THAT WILD BAD BOY/WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS SHE CHASING DOWN HER CHILD WHO IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HER...and my own dreams becoming fast-fading bitterly irrelevant jokes...CREATE A SPECIAL BEDTIME RITUAL FOR YOUR CHILD! READ THEM A SPECIAL STORY! CHILDREN REALLY RESPOND TO LAVENDER OIL! HAVE HIM PLAY WITH NATURAL FIBERS! WHOLE FOODS! CO-SLEEP! BREASTFEED! MAKE HIM KEEP A LITTLE NATURE JOURNAL! SING SWEET SONGS IN A CIRCLE! REGULAR ROUTINES! CLOTH DIAPERS! HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS! CHARLOTTE MASON! JOHN HOLT! STRUCTURE! FREEDOM! HE NEEDS SCHOOL! HOMESCHOOL!UNSCHOOL! HAVE A DARLING CIVIL WAR THEMED LUNCHEON!

My
son
doesnt
work
that
way.
\

But I think my other 4 kids do. What I dont need is more guilt or more people who do not believe us. And what we have truly gone through living with someone who is so destructive, so hyperactive, so chaotic, so confusing, so impulsive, so dangerous, so thrill seeking, so clueless to others' feelings, and just so, so, so draining and upsetting we will never be able to really explain to anyone who sees him a few times a year outside of the home. Yes he came to your house and ate crackers and colored and spoke nicely. So?

I am grateful that he is healthy, and I am grateful that he CAN be normal/good sometimes. Of course. But I am DONE with dreading my life, dreading everyday, dreading breakfast, mornings, lunch, naptime, afternoon, dinner, bath and bedtime.

I contacted the public school system (ugh) in our new town and inquired about some "testing". More ugh. Everything about being his mom has made me have to go do stuff I never wanted to, out of hope/wits' end. They said he could get tested in kindergarten and before you all roll your eyes and shout at your computer screens not this again, Joy!!! I must say it sounds better than last year's public-school attempt and here is why:
It is only 9am to noon. Not 8 am to 3:20.
I am not freshly csectioned trying to push some double stroller like last fall. We have a van for me now and I walk like a champ should the desire strike me.
He is a year older but they still said Kindergarten is totally ok rather than 1st grade.
It is supposedly some great school that is really known for its special needs support type of stuff, knowledgable mature staff, etc.
We arent sending everyone, just him.
I do not know what else to do and there are 4 other kids' daily lives deeply affected by living like this, too that i must take into consideration.

\
He has to go somewhere, and my begging our relative for the money to send him to daycare this summer didnt work. They said no. So, all I can do is try to hang on, go see the new pediatrician and refuse to leave without a referral to a real child psychologist who will actually get us in, and I am going to begin supplementing him with Omega fatty acids 3 and 6.

We are trying and always will as long as we live to be better parents to him and all the children and have a wonderfully reviewed book on amazon on its way called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. (turns out me weeping into a dishtowel "just get him the hell out of my face for five minutes, please!" isn't the most effective way to deal with his emotional outbursts! did I mention overwhelming guilt and irrationally intense self loathing and dark dark regret being the main components of my depression?)

When Casey gets help and I get help and we all make it through this, it will certainly be a glorious time, a return to the true Eden that our family was before....before...before so many things. We will survive. I love him so much. But he just screamed "I hate you weenis! Weenis the penis! You killed a penis!" and then I heard something REALLY loud crashing....so I have to go now. (If he wasnt in my house and he wasnt around my other kids, he would be really, really funny!) Strange thing to think, but life is very strange.

2009-06-07T13:08:00.003-04:00

I have postpartum depression. Surprise! haha

I am going to a group meeting every Monday night now and trying to expedite my way to the moment when I am taking some actual pills. I dont have weeks to wait for appointments and referrals I just want some Wellbutrin. I took it before and it really helped. no side effects except dry mouth and that made me drink some more water which is good! And vivid dreams, but i found them exhilarating and worthy of remembering.

Things around the family are very bad, and we have 3 birthdays this week and we had one last week. No money for any gifts, but will get some cake mixes from the store and promise little parties soon soon soon. I think around November last year they realized they wernt getting bday parties.

In the meantime, its omega fish oil and vitamin D pills. Lots of sleep, trying to stay away from the home (where kids fight all day) and just be quiet when i feel like I am going to say mean things. As an extrovert (who gets her energy re-charged by being with others) this deep desire to be alone, work at a tollbooth, be a long distance trucker, run away to Walden is a bit ( a ton) scary for me and certainly impossible with 5 kids.

Angel baby is just too adorable for words, too hilarious to ever capture, walking like an 18 month old, and just hope and pray she doesnt turn mean hateful or damaged by this kind of mother.

Me and Greta decided to not do a single "hair-do" to her until she turned one year old, so this Thursday she will get a barrette in her darling little bangs. Unlike alot of moms of girls, (myself included with baby Greta) I do NOT adore her long hair in the back it looks like a mullet and we might have it cut straight across to start a little bob.

Daddy turned 35 on the 4th, Greta turns 12 on the 9th, Eskarina turns 1 on the 11th, Mickey turns 9 on the 13th! Gemini overload! But I love Geminis : )

Might not be blogging too much but I will try...

Mama's little fix.

2009-05-26T21:51:00.004-04:00

Today was kind of soul-sucking. Ok it was long and hella rude and just uninspired and tedious and futile and dishes dishes dishes fighting fighting fighting dishes dishes dishes and gross food and gross coffee and squealing and squalling and cloudy and I tried, I really did, I tried so hard to be chill and patient and kind, but, I am sure how much any of it mattered. To the kids, that is. To me, my shaky start to a wierd day just never seemed to change the nagging feeling that the peace and balance that was not coming from the nice weatr or the nasty coffee or the vitamins might be somehow attained by a good old fashioned get the hell out of here?
Since the economy has taken its toll on Mama-go-Out night, (but alas I still needed to get the hell outta dodge,) I went to the library tonight for a little bit, and mosied (mosey'd?) on over to the magazines...ahhhhh such a refreshing thing to sit and read some light fare--what? My library carries BUST!? the koolest 'zine turned magazine ever? (Sorry hipmama, but you're my number 2) wow. I am going to read cool things and see beautiful stuff and laugh , hooray!!!!!! All my displaced girl-woman kitschy darling joy o meter that had been emptied dry was being filled back up--boop boop boop boop boop!Full hearts! I learned that Julie Doiron is back with the guy from Eric's Trip (fave band of all time) and that their new album rocks! Must download! I learned that Lily Allen is really hilarious! I learned that there is some book out there called It Sucked, and Then I Cried--the title alone is so perfect--about a mom's battle with having a baby and getting ppd--gotta read it! I learned that there is some book out there of short stories that are inspired by the titles of Sonic Youth songs and that it unfortunatly is rubbish--glad to know. I learned that I must must must learn to sew now more than ever because there is just SO much adorable-ness out there that i will never be able to afford in my lifetime nor will it be available in my size except maybe in Sweden where I am probably a Medium LOL---I gotta make my own skirts with cherries and olives on them and kick ass purses with owls and toast ARGGG its all so cute why why why do I love it all so much?!

I love BUST. Just going to the library and reading it made me all better. I was gone 40 minutes. I am an easy to fix girl. But I am human, and like I said, it was one soul-sucking day.

Bloody period talk, plenty of TMI: be warned!

2009-05-26T13:39:00.003-04:00

I have had five pregnancies with five long breastfeeding-induced amennorhia times as well--so this subject has only come up as something I needed to think about for good, for real, as of now. How am I going to live my life , possibly 20 more years, with these insane periods now that I am done having babies?

It started after I had baby#3, Casey. the first period was so out of control that i went to the doctor, who sent me to the hospital. Although I got plenty of comments to the tune of "Jesus! Whoa!", I was told that there was nothing they could do and to take some iron. Well, 2 more babies and like I said, it hasn't come up---until now.

I want to be gory and gross and yet I don't. I have guy friends who read this thing and call me old fashioned but I hate to get too personal--but I also have women who read this who might need to hear what I have to say, and the winner is the women. So here goes:

When I start my period, it is okay for like an hour. And then it gets so heavy there isnt a damn thing I can do except lie in bed and bleed to death. Worse than a murder scene, worse than childbirth (much!!!) but I cant lie in bed, I have to take care of the children. My 2 littlest boys just do not "let" me lie down, they get into so much trouble and scuffles, but yes we try to use the tv asmuch as we can....

I cant even explain how sick it is---there is no point of tampons, its like it isnt even in there. they hurt and they dont do anything. The hugest pads, well if I could sit super still just sort of trying to bleed perfectly like a little bird on my nest then maybe...but I need to change them like every 10 to 20 minutes. There is no moving around (so, commercials with the bicycling and cheerleading always leave me a bit confounded, har har) or else I will flood out and ruin my home. Pants, couch, I cant move at all or blood gushes out and what can i do? Where can I sit? All over my stomach, legs, take a shower every 15 minutes??? Its so gross. I literally do not know what to do. Alot of women use the homemade cloth pads, and I just have to laugh at the idea of flannel even beginning to help this faucet.

So I am just now winding up 6 days of this nonsense. And I looked online, originally for those birth control pills but found this and wanted to post it and see what you all thought. I get dizzy, weak, and can barely function I get so tired and in so much pain. And then the psychological upset at just being so filthy and hopeless---well this sounds cool. But I dont like to try some freaky new thing, what if it, like so many other things ends up being another medical "WHOOPSIE--TURNS OUT IT GIVES YOU CANCER!" you know???

Seeing as wrapping my entire body in diapers and sitting atop a black quilt pile while drinking energy shakes and floradix just isnt an option, I asked my husband if he could stay home one day a month and he just said no. I was joking anyways and one day wouldnt do too much anyhow. But I regret ever ever putting Eska in her crib, ever, I know the decreased night nursing brought my cycles back, and do want to find out more about this procedure. Any crazy period stories are welcome here, and this is something that affects the whole family, and shouldnt be a secret shameful thing, so any input as far as something better than "Mommy has her tummyache again" would help, too. God this blows.

Off to go really, really appreciate the next 3 weeks as a human being!

***I just found this discussion so I will be on there for a while checking it all out.

Memorial Day weekend

2009-05-24T19:29:00.002-04:00

Well, my dears, Eskarina is WALKING! Yes, at 11 1/2 months, she and Casey were our only babies to walk before 14 months! she is also CLIMBING, big time, and we have had to practically empty our living room of almost everything! No more computer--she pulls it down onto her head. no more fish tank, she climbs onto and practically into it. No more cat scratch post, side table, or children's table. no more dollhouse. it looks very plain in here and now it is safe and BORING.
Homeschool Park Day is going wonderfully, every week homechoolers from our county come to our park and spend the afternoon together! My idea is a smash success and there has been no problem whatsoever with opening our house up for bathroom usage, never even thought for a moment that there would be. So far I have been super cleaning it and for me it feels nice to have a tidy house for the high traffic in and out day, but I have gotten a few kind spirited but a little curious comments to the effect of my clean house making others feel like their house is "a disaster" ---its just so ironic and funny to me, my \whole life of thinking we were the filthy slobs, the unorganized, unmotivated losers of the housekeeping world, somehow making other people feel badly about their homes! I didnt mean to do that! Its just that by noon, I get it nice in here. They wouldnt recognize the place at 10 am...thats how tiny this place is, but it is also easy to clean. We worked very hard to make this a place that was just that, so I guess its a success? For us, not putting everything in some forgotten bedroom is a success---we just dont have any hiding places so we have to deal with messes and clutter right head on. Its hard but simple. It works for us.
I bleached out my fuschia hair and will not be going pink ever again. It is bright bleach-blond now with pale pink ends. I dont know what I will do now. I really wish I had cooler clothes--just a few key items, and I wouldnt feel so freaked out about hair. I never know what to wear in the summer, I never have! Even if I had the dream body whatever the hell that means, skimpy is just not for me. I dont wanna see your upper thighs and you arent seeing mine. I dont even like upper arms and armpits flying out--I guess you could say i am verrrrry into tshirts for all! Jeans or jean capris, or spinny skirts. Everything else bugs me. **I would also include dresses, i love dresses but my dream dress only exists in my mind and I cant find the real deal to save my life. Bought 2 at Target 2 years ago but they just are not cut for 6 foot 1. (Why would they be?) The dumb waist was across my chest and all bunchy and gross....but I do have dreams of great shirt-dress with chucks and maybe a turquoise ponytail....I really want pastel hair but its hard to get to take---pale blue and pale pink together would be de-lovely.
Someday there will be enough money for my personal style. Its not very important right now. We are having a good late spring, going to a parade tomorrow morning and then visiting family. Enjoy the long weekend!

Emerging from underneath the mountain of capitalism's misinformation

2009-05-16T13:32:00.005-04:00

Thank you to those who have shared your stories of comebacks and healings and not healings and everywhere in between. These stories are one thing that is so lacking in the universe of Information For Women.

First its the hush hush surrounding sex ed and sexuality.Then its the hush hush surrounding pregnancy and childbirth. Then its the hush hush surrounding what we have once there is this new body and this new baby! Ack!

No wonder the tweens/teens gobble up the tabloids. They tell such a crisp and clean and linear and beginning-middle-end kind of a story, huh? Meet a hot dude, have an obnoxious wedding (or not, usually not) have a be-bop pregnancy with a tiny rounded shiny (what is that one about, btw?) tanning boothed belly--twins are hot right now, maybe try for twins--, and have a very mysterious birth with no details, prattle on about how you breastfeed and then appear on such and such red carpet such and such weeks afterwards with no baby in sight and unveil your new bod!The end!

The money and work that goes into that story is what we are not told. The time and assistance from outside sources as well as the toll on the mothers and babies is what we are not told. Cause that story is too yucky. and too un sexy. and sex sells and making regular folks feel like they suck and are weird and outside of the norm sells and yeah im gonna say it there is big money in keeping every woman on the verge of insanity/depression or certainly insecurity, and there is even big money in convincing the men that their woman is gross now...

There is no money to be made off of a loving couple, enjoying their family, eating what tastes nice and working out or sleeping when that feels right, wearing comfortable clothes and hanging out spending their time on questioning authority and making music and contemplating life and watching films and enjoying nature with their brood.

So I say that my post surgery body is probably pretty much normal. It just freaks me out because I need to go to websites like Shape of a Mother or The Belly Project just to see anything even remotely resembling my body (its the darn c section lump that I have such a hard time with---and I didnt even have that until I had baby #4). And I say that my post operative pain is probably pretty much normal, and if I need to hear from real women who have had "long" recoveries from surgeries, you guys are right, ICAN would probably be the best place to go. I know some of you are hurting still and some of you are not, and I know it will come and go with the cyclical changes and with activity and with too tight jeans and with all kinds of things...I also did have one kind nurse in the hospital who told me that since I had a tubal ligation that I was healing from not one but two surgeries--somehow that made me feel less horribly terribly "Wrong" as the others in there were so happy to treat me.

It's scary for me to want to try certain exercise moves. I spent so much time "paralyzed" as a mother that doing that to myself on purpose just never sounds tempting. Not only did I suffer from SPD during the last 4 of my 5 pregnancies, but I have had the 3 c sections and many many episodes of "thrown out my back" this past winter where I could only sit in my chair with hot water bottles and have my 11 year old pull me to the bathroom, watching in lame frustration as my house collapsed around me from the toddler mayhem...its really not a good scene when there are so many little ones and no mom.

So it is scary to me to think of getting my ass to some exercise class. I picture the first round of "get down on the floor and..." riiiiiiip goes my right side of my adhesions and they have to call Steve to come get me.

For now, I am walking. A mile a day, (not including all the walking I do on our outings and such) pushing 50 pound Charlie and 22 pound Eska in the double jogger. As fast as I can walk without the 38H's causing too much of a scene, with my crooked foot and my trick knee, I am doing something. In a week or two I will be upping the distance, and yes, that ubiquitous yoga class I joke arond about so much, maybe just maybe will happen, too. (Although a DVD might spare me the imagined embarassment, I get that its good to go out of the house, etc).

I might not ever be skinny again, and I know this is the belly I have now. But if I could get some more stability and less of the your-guts-are-on-fire-and-you-cant-reach-up-too-high-or-else, that would be for me, a great place to wind up.

Also, I really really am going to get a breast reduction when Eska is an old girl and my nursing days are done. I just watched a TV show about some girl with "double D's" and boo-hoo she cant jog and it strains her neck so badly and I gotta tell ya I just thought double Ds?? that is TINY!

: )

What I know Wednesday

2009-05-14T10:28:00.001-04:00

First pregnancies are often a "breeze", with time flying by and wishing your belly would "show", and jogging about--but the baby blows apart your entire world and life as you knew it is terrifyingly unrecognizable.
Fifth pregnancies blow apart your entire world and life as you knew it is terrifyingly unrecognizable--but the baby is a "breeze", slipping right into daily life, with time flying by as though she was always there.

Nobody else's homeschool is mine to emulate, nor should anyone try and emulate mine. At its essence, homeschooling is just family living, with the amount and frequency of book-learning to be tweeked by the parents. How could you base your family on someone else's family? And better yet, why?

I still need to connect with other mothers who have had (preferably multiple) c-sections. But I dont really want to get dragged down into the world of online depressed Mamas either right now. Reading about my other mom friends and what they are doing at a few weeks or months postpartum shows me that there is seriously, seriously something very very VERY different about my experiences from theirs, and I am not sure where to turn for this. The library books about doing little sit-ups are not what I need. Berating myself is not what I need. But I would be lying if I didnt tell you I have been crying lately about this upcoming first birthday and where I am "at". Not to be a total bitch, but it is kind of ironic that even though the cesarean rates are so high, I have very,very few real life people I know who have had one. (blatant plea for sectioned cyber friends to commiserate/reassure/share your experiences? Is anyone else still ripping and shredding and hobbled?)

****Michelle it truly sucked of me to say I didnt know anyone, and I apologize for my rude omission. I guess in some way i was referring to Moms whom I knew when they were pregnant, and had the whole pregnancies together and then they ended up with a surgical outcome and being with them through that time and aftertime--it is great but statistically surprising that through 20+ friends and families' babies they were all vaginally born.

I am a different person when I am out in nature. I need to seek this daily, no exceptions. Yesterday we didnt go on our walk and I can feel the loss of it.

If I want the clothes that I envision in my head to exist, I am going to have to just sew them myself. Mostly I want many versions of my long green skirt. It looks so be made of big triangles of fabric, lined with some thin cotton, and has a drawstring. Cant be too hard!

My dream wardrobe is getting smaller and smaller: 7 of my long skirt, in all different color themes. 7 Old Navy tall "perfect fit" T-Shirts in various colors to go with the skirts. 1 pair of dressy dark stretch jeans. 1 pair of awesome old school rock star Levis, soft and faded, button fly. A few good bras. Undies. Buckle shoes, chucks, doc martens, crocs, winter boots and my long funky socks and my rainbow of old man cardigans collection. Please donate all other ugly lame ill fitting hideous crap to charity. Thank you!

No matter how hot cranky temperamental I might get loading 1000 pound strollers over my head with sand and tiny hotwheels cars pouring into my eyes stepping into the melted popsicle puddles and bees and flies and sunburns and mud and sweat and ugly jean shorts and farmers tans---I get it now. Summer really IS better than winter. After last winter, I am officially one of those people who tells the youngsters about the sun warming their bones and such. I get it now. (and with pregnancies and newborns behind me it will only get better)

Sheepishly retracting previous claim...

2009-05-13T10:28:00.004-04:00

I love Facebook now. I am sorry that I freaked out. It is neat-o, and I really have "found old friends and reconnected!"

But even though I can see where writing blips and blurbs could fit into my life much more than blogging, the real reason I havent been blogging is because this #$% computer or internet or blogger itself has eaten THREE big posts I wrote--even left the house and went away to write them.

So I will re-try in wordpad. In the meantime, if you wanna find me on facebook or want me to find you, email me at Housefairy75@gmail.com and we can blip and blurb!

34 years of body image

2009-05-13T10:27:00.000-04:00

in progress

What I know Wednesday

2009-05-06T07:38:00.003-04:00

Its just too weird to call yourself wise. So I changed my weekly thing to What-I-Know-Wednesday. Some monikers need to be bestowed from an outside party, only.
If you have pink hair, sunscreen is no longer OPTIONAL (!!!)
Coffee from home tastes sick. The money I could theoretically spend on nice coffee equipment seems to want to just be spent on yummy coffees.
I drink house coffee out of some sad hopeful habit. At best it gives me the shakes and an ulcer. At worst it makes me nauseous and irritable.
Given an actual dirt pit and a few "tools", (and make sure it does not seem all mommy-approved as in "heres your fun dirt pit, sweety!"), my 2 little boys have been completely outdoors everyday all day since Saturday.
I officially put all kinds of kid shoes in the washing machine. Crocs, rainboots, converse, suede and mesh velcro shoes...I dont know what my shoe washing kick is, but it seems like with whats going on around my home and life right now, these muddy clompers have to get washed, every night.
If I dont completely wash my face before bed, I look like some dingy shadowy dirty horrid rock-dawg the entire next day. Its like the makeup stains my face and cannot be properly removed in the morning.
Oak trees gets their leaves sooooo slowly! They crack me up, the lazy things! The entire world of maples, birch, beech is in almost full leaf, the crabapples have flowered and are almost past peak, and here is the mighty oak with these itty bitty leaf-buds! i love everything about oak trees, I am literally a tree-geek. Of all our homes we have lived in, we finally have a huge oak -bam-right in the center of the front yard. Ahhhh---but I dont know what kind of oak it is! I suck! I must find out ASAP! : )
Everybody on tv officially has gone off the deep end with the teeth-whitening. When every person you meet in real life starts to look like "they could use some white strips", its a problem. What on Earth will be next? What freakish thing will soon start to look "normal" to us, and will capitalism ever, ever ever be vanquished? Do any of us really know how much money there is in selling us insecurity? Have you seen the new thing where every woman (on tv) seems to be getting the line between her nose and mouth "filled in"? Its worse than the botox-ed eyebrows, it really makes the face look like something is missing! I hate it all so much!
A big part of me really truly believes in "jinx". This comes out the strongest when the Red Wings are in the playoffs. I have been known to get my old Detroit jersey out of the hamper no matter how dirty it was when the game was on. One time it was too dirty to wear so I just sat in next to me on the couch. The Wings lost, andI knew it was my fault, if only a little.
I had my first strong twinge of "Oh my god we really are not going to ever have another baby!!!!!!!!" last night and so we decided that when Eska is about 2 1/2 or 3 is when we will get that dog we have been talking about forever.
I have no idea if diet or exercise is better, but I have failed miserably at both of them and really am starting to feel like "it is time". (It takes me a long time after I have a baby to be able to deal with this. I have some eating disorder stuff in my past, nothing too dramatic, but just put it this way-- I was "on a diet" last Monday for about 6 hours and it sent me into a lunatic eating attack! I guess I have some old panicky stuff about "Im gonna starve!" and I lose my mind.
Another reason why this house is so, so wonderful is one that Greta revealed to me last night as we chatted on the way home from Girl Scouts: There are no weird or scary things about it. No crusty dingy mysterious "scary" spaces whatsoever. Even the little pull-down ladder to the attic seems very simple and plain (although we did both admit to having no desire to go up there, we are happy that Daddy has the xmas stuff and some stuff up there).
There is just NO substitute for real Sudafed (pseudoephedrine).
As darling as rainbow leggings, crisp khakis, and little blue jeans are, there is just no substitute for black or brown pants if you want little kids to ever have any hope of appearing "clean". (Do just mine need to crawl in actual soil from April til November?)

yawn-book; is it just me?

2009-05-04T09:16:00.003-04:00

So, I went and did it. I checked out "Facebook". I must say, it is incredibly, entirely....boring. It is just not special, like the blogging is/has been. noone seems to say anything profound or deep or even slightly beyond:

I went shopping
Sure is warm out today
My tummy hurts
I added photos to my thingie
I went shopping
I should go to bed!

Oh my goodness, it is just very uninteresting and common. Oh well. I have a thing on there now and if I am ever childless and sick in bed I might do some quizzes like "what flower are you" or "what 70's tv show are you". But mostly, I just dont get the thrill.

I did look up my cute little cousins in Chicagoland and they are still cute and funny. (They are like in their late 20's but i think of them as little)

Wise Wednesday (In the vein of wordless Wednesday?)

2009-04-29T10:08:00.003-04:00

People whose child gave them an easy time with something are often the know-it-alls.
People whose child gave them a difficult time with something are often the empathetic, sympathetic humble supports.
When a child tells you "I dont wanna go potty in a potty", believe them. Whether *it* is going to end up in a diaper, in character emblazened undies, or on the floor is up to you.
Many of the toddler issues that torment, terrify and frustrate the parents are resolved by age 4. By age 5 that number is almost 100%. Pacifiers, diapers, big kid bed, messy eating, odd sleep schedules, inability to use playground equipment without help, and so on. I think it is up to the parents to turn age 2 to 5 into a precious time or an anxious shameful time. (You'd think that some folks were actually angry they didnt give birth to little 6 year olds!)
Being 34 is completely different than I thought it would be. I have to slow down and spare out my energy and really think before I commit to something. The bonus of this is much more enriching and meaningful experiences, albeit less activity and spontaneity. (I have no idea if this is 34 or if this is life with 5 kids)
ONLY the caffeine in coffee works on me. I could drink 10 Cokes or 10 teas and go right to bed. (My ulcers come and go.)
In more than just fashion and music ways, I am still living in the late '90's: Now it is children's television that has passed me by--where the hell are Teletubbies, Maisy, Miffy, Kipper, Little Bear, Little Bill, Boobah and Blues Clues with Steve not that horrible Joe?
Take pictures and videos of your children. The more mundane, the better. This is not something you will get a second chance on.

Wash a day

2009-04-28T14:26:00.003-04:00

These are some cute ideas from another mama of many, on that ole timeless subject of LAUNDRY. Now that we have a washer and dryer in our kitchen because our teeny little housey does not have a basement, this issue has come to the forefront. Mostly, I have done well, but we have not gotten to the place where there is some rockin' "system" yet. This past Saturday we had a huge folding freak out but already the clean mountain is back. Anyone wish to share their laundry tales? Right now we have a few hampers, I run the wash almost constantly, and when it is clean, it gets whipped into my room. Just being honest!

Fun on a rainy day

2009-04-28T14:10:00.004-04:00

Well, my hair is HOT pink! My hands are stained, but that wears off, and it is a fun change.

Help me find a new camera?

2009-04-27T20:50:00.003-04:00

I need a new camera. The pictures some of you have on your websites and blogs are breathtaking. Any and all advice for any kind of digital camera under $200 or anything, really, I will take what you tell me and go scour the Earth for a bargain. Here is all I want:

Fast time from when the button is pressed to when the pic is snapped.
High quality results in most lighting.

Thats it. You all with the tiny dew drops on the frosty flowers and the fuzz on the newborn's cheeks---I can't not be a part of this anymore. My camera sucks!

Hot Pink

2009-04-27T20:31:00.002-04:00

My silly hair has gone from blasting blue to faded purple with some blondey parts and some mousy roots. As I am growing it long, I just need to keep it healthy and am happy to pull it into little poofy buns or pigtails for a year or more. I have to keep growing it to acheive my ultimate look of long (blue?) braids and maybe some kind of cool bangs option.

I have the 1/2 bottle of Blue Mayhem left, but just have been not able to bring myself to color my hair deep dark blue right now. It seems so dark! So I have been contemplating a new spring timey-color that would be no problemo with purple (remember, I am coating it with color, not damaging it with bleaches or anything) when the idea of hot pink came to my mind. Well, tonight I popped into the naughty adult punk swear word bumper sticker drag queen shoes or whatever store in our town on my way walking to the tea house (I have to laugh at the snotty looks the little black leather teens who work there tried to give me in my hippie skirt and ratty chucks, 2 purple buns and a diaper bag/backpack with Sanrio wallet falling out alongside carrots, a pacifier, black pepper, and a GameBoy!!! Stupid teens! You'll have a purse like this someday if you apply yourselves! Now gimme my Cherry Bomb hairdye and nobody gets hurt! And for heaven's sake go wash your faces! Dirty little fools. Who would let their kid work in an S+M store? Just kidding...Kind of.)

So I am going to go hot hot pink. As soon as humanly possible--tomorrow? Pics of course to come.

Our schedule

2009-04-27T19:57:00.003-04:00

It is week 3 of our new family schedule, and some of it is working, really really well, and some of it feels a bit forced still. I wanted to do it for a full month, and we are almost there, before we started tweeking it. Here is a rough layout of what we've got goin' on:

Monday: Homeschool day, little lessons I have come up with alongside some of our book stuff. (Sorry to be so vague, its been a weird year). For example, today we did varying age appropriate levels of learning and discussing our new phone number, address, and played post office, and the older kids worked on their blog as well as reading two chapters in our "Health" book--a cool kids book about how our bodies work. Steve worked 7 to 5, so we did our "4 O'Clock Clean Up", and I had dinner ready when he got home. After dinner the big kids cleared up and I nursed Eska and got out of there for Mama Go To The Teahouse Again (where I am right now!) I only stay out an hour or two and hopefully return to most kids all gone to beddy bye and a quiet sane scene. You never know though. Could be 3 littles screaming and 2 bigs covered in mud digging up bugs.

Tuesday: Field Trip, Steve works 9 to 6, has guys over for gaming in the evening. (they are heavy into Euro-Games, which are mostly head-hurty board games about ancient wars and battles and taking over countries and kingdoms and such. Super intelligent stuff that I can't enjoy no matter how much of a super hotty geek wife I would be if only I could dig it. But I cannot. So they play. This is also a night we have been apt to get DelTaco, because they have 33 cent tacos on Tuesday nights---yum--dinner for 6, way under 10 bucks!
Wednesday: Kinda the same as Monday, except we will do a "craft" during homeschool time. I can go out if I need, I have dinner ready nice n early, etc.
Thursday: Steve works long, 9am to 8pm, so this one can be a doozy. We are planning on housecleaning in the morning so we dont have to all weekend as much and then going to the library and possible walking around our new town's vibrant downtown right after an early supper of "kid food". I am going to rent the older kids a nice movie from the library (wholesome, free...) so that everyone an be "in bed" (even if not asleep, out of the living room) for when Steve gets home for a little Mom and Dad Date Night involving some adult food--LOL--I dont know if this makes sense to all of my readers, but when you have babies, tots, picky vegetarians, etc, there becomes a time when one set of family gets Pokemon Macaroni and apples with fruit punch and another set gets Blackened Salmon and Red Wine. 'Nuff said.
Friday: Starting this week, we are going to be participating, if not hosting, homeschool Park Day, as advertised (by me) on our county-wide homeschooling yahoo group message board. We are hoping to spend the entire afternoon in the company of cool families under a shady tree. this is more of an event for the moms than the kids, but I hope everyone enjoys their socialization! I have made the bold move of just announcing that this is an event, and that it shall occur at the park in front of my house. I have offered to anyone who would like to, to use our bathroom, fridge, whatnot since our park has no restroom. I am deciding on my ground rules right now, and might even post them on the front door and in the bathroom--because I will not allow this to become some thing where some kids want to sit in the air conditioning playing gameboys without any adults...or what if something seemed like it was "missing" and then there was weirdness...so I will need to define the rules and have them be known from day one. The good thing about the old homeschool park day tat was at a different park was that one of my *ahem* unnamed children who is not very outdoorsy would whine about being "tired" or "hot" and I could say oh, cut it out. Now with the lure of home right there, we are gonna have to discuss. But anyhow, for the rest of summer, weather permitting, Friday will be this.
Saturday, every other one Steve works until 2 pm. On the ones where he is home, we will all go to Farmers Market. On the ones where he works, he might take them to a cheap-show movie. I am pretty burnt out by the Saturday he works.
Sunday open and free, except for grocery shopping and prepping for the week aka making sure there are no laundry mountains, etc.

Well, thats it! Some things we want to work on are (for 12 years now!) Me AND Steve going out TOGETHER---wacky wacky I know, and how to balance the need for sleep with the need/want to hang out late without kids and hang out. Eska has been wrecking that lately, though, and I think the 3 bedroom house is going to be somewhat trickier than we thought, but only for a while. Where we have visions of a girls' bedroom, a boys' bedroom, and Mama and Daddy bedroom, (thus the design of the majority of houses) admittedly we are more like a jumble of semi-co-sleeping, camping out on couches, taking shifts, a crib and a playpen in our room....sigh. Probably shoulda bought that king sized bed or two back in '97, but now...I'd say less than a year from now Charlie will be a going-potty boy who sleeps in a bed, not a crib, and Eska will be in a crib of her own in Greta's room...but that eliminates late night TV watching, drawing, etc for Greta....

Well it will all work out. But thats a little slice o life from our family to yours right now. Please share what works/worked for you and yours?!

Take the course, or stay the course, or depends?

2009-04-24T08:31:00.005-04:00

Many times a week, it seems, I will get the notion that whatever it is that I do or enjoy could be done or enjoyed more---officially? Professionally? Expertly? Like, if I enjoy writing, wouldnt I like to take an online writing course? if I enjoy making little treats for the children, wouldnt I like to buy a magazine with perfectly color coordinated kitty kat face cupcakes on the cover? If I enjoy drawing and doodling, wouldnt I be so much happier if I "really learned how to draw?" If I like to cut and color my and my friends' hair, wouldnt it all be so much better if I went to beauty school? Is this capitalism at its most insidious, or opportunity knocking?

And sometimes i will follow up on these ideas, and thats when it all goes bad for me. The activity I so enjoyed, and so innocently felt great about suddenly gets replaced with doubt, worry, anxiety, stress over costs, and then the entire enjoyed activity can get so lost and trampled in the process that it can be in danger of being lost--either for a while or forever! What is this about? A big part of me LOVES the idea of being a borderline-smug DIY-er who is just happy as a little clam to paint chairs polka dots (with the wrong kind of paint, no doubt!) To make and create beautiful songs on the guitar without knowing a single name of a single chord, to be able to create fruit salads and rainbow soups without a recipe or even an ability to tell anyone else how to make it themselves, to piece together curtains and hairdos and outfits, breaking all the rules, or maybe accidentally stumbling upon some of them---

But heres the thing, and this is where I get a little confused--I am NOT trying to be eclectic for eclectics' sake. I am not trying to be funky coo-coo bird just to do so. I would love to take some of my skills to the next level, but some I dont want to, and even the thought of it makes me weary and annoyed. I am lucky (understatement) to live in the self published world of Blogger and Etsy and all of it, but what do I do about homeschool? Is it okay to really just do what we want?

Heres my example:
We will be cruising along with homeschooling, piecing together our fine and worldly and well rounded "curriculum" of workbooks and real books and trips and tales and tv and games and films and art and nature study and then someone will send out some links to some cutesy teaching website and I get totally freaked out. Should I click on 123Learn or ABCTeach or ElementaryFun or whatever? I would have thought I had died and gone to heaven if this stuff was available back when Greta was about 5 years old but now....I dunno. I dont like to be closed minded or staunch, but in my heart, I dont want to bother with that stuff. I have done it before, gotten all hyped up and printed out a gazillion little things and even paid a little money for subscriptions to little fun-n-games math type things, but....it just feels weird. but I dont want them to miss out on something that might be really cool! the internet is too big, I say.

I wonder what to make of this phenomenon, I am trying to *listen* to what it means; do I step all the way into living by my heart, or do I open my heart to new things? Or is joy's artsy stuff and the kids' education 2 different things altogether?

Of tea and tubals...

2009-04-22T20:38:00.003-04:00

Well, it is Mama-go-out-night, and I am in a little tea-house. I was meaning to go to Starbucks, i know, i know, not very local business or whatnot, but I am hooked (line and sinker) to the "Espresso Truffle" (try one only if you enjoy bliss) and I kinds had that delicious chocolate taste in mind when i was out tonight...but i couldn't find parking to save my life and so here i am at a little tea house. It is precious in here. And the tea is lovely. They gave it to me in a fancy little double pot thing and i put honey in it. It doesn't taste anything like Lipton it tastes like plants or Earth or something. Gorgeous. I feel like I haven't ever had tea before and this was not one of the exotics, just "strong black" is what I asked for. yummmm. I am finding so many places around town that I wished I knew about when I was pregnant. I guess when you have had 5 babies in 11 years, almost everything in your mind is still about pregnancy. Do other multips feel this way, I wonder?

And all this even though we are done having babies--yep--you heard it here first/finally, I got a tubal ligation when I had my c Section 10 months ago--everything is still about being pregnant. Knowing where the bathrooms are for the constant peeing. Knowing where the fresh food is, knowing where the protein is, knowing where the peaceful places are, knowing where the close parking is. Most of this did and does translate into useful mothering skills, not only for myself and the forever transitioning from baby inside of me to baby on my breast, but for just being a person forever traveling with children. They need bathrooms and they need fresh food and they need peace and close parking and wide doorways for double strollers heavy with diaper bags--that's all still needed.
I got my tubes tied because for us, after this time, there was no more of that "maybe". Whatever a woman or a couple or a family's reasons are for doing something so permanent, we did not feel that until this last pregnancy. Some rude folks implied, implored us to do so way before 5 babies, but when we mulled it over for even one second, it was a "no". Not that we didnt get what they were saying---pregnancy is so hard on you, Joy, you guys dont have money, what about the time devoted to each child, what about the earth, arent you looking forward to no more diapers/strollers/sleep deprivation/kids hangin off yer tit....it was a "no" for me and my husband until this last time. and then, before we had any inkling that within 2 hours postpartum things would start to spiral downward for me, we knew we were done. and it was ok. I truly couldnt do it again, truly.
the last 2 months of my pregnancy were a blur of such darkness and fear, such pain and chaos, it just couldnt happen again. All those logical other reasons, all that whaddabout college tuitions, still didnt play in, it was about the sheer fact that I was DONE. I cried everyday from the pain and worry, and at that point, as insensitive, ignorant, ungrateful as it may sound now, the healthy baby to come became less and less relevant as just getting through the day, the morning, breakfast had become.
So, now you know. I am neither sad nor happy. I repeat. I am neither sad nor happy. I have meditated, contemplated, and mostly, just waited--for the feelings to come. To be honest, I mostly expected a horrifying regret to seep in, and I feared I would have exactly zero sympathetic shoulders to cry on--but it hasn't happened. I have felt tremendously private and protective of my/our decision, and I have felt the need to not talk about it to too many people until I was ready--because I did know this: I was not ready to hear "ARENT YOU GLAD??? OH GOOD! FOR GODS SAKE I WOULD HOPE SO!"....and on the same token, but the other side, i was not ready to hear or deal with "I COULD NEVER DO THAT! ARENT YOU SAD? DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE AN INFERTILE WEIRD ASEXUAL NEUTERED GENDERLESS CREATURE NOW? HOW COULD YOU MESS WITH GOD'S PLAN?..." etc.
And now? today in this fancy little tea-house? I feel peace. and I feel mending. (The word Healing has almost lost all meaning it is just so overused as to be a bit of a turn off for me at this point) but I do feel mending. I feel the tea and its strange alive texture, smell and golden hopeful color mending me. I see the weak but promising sunset poking its little face in and out of the rain clouds now (it was raining when I straggled in here) and I know it has alot of resting up to do for tomorrow-- it is supposed to be EIGHTY degrees! Today there was freezing rain!---and I feel Earth mending after a very very harsh winter. We are all mending.
For months and months after the c section, indeed well past the point where I could feel much understanding/empathetic feedback, my body was just shot. Shot shot, chewed up and poorly taped back together, bent and stiff and sting-ie and quite hobbled. When I would try to do stuff, wear a baby sling, hang decorations, lift things, I would feel the ripping and the shooting/tearing pains, and I would know that the next day would find me in my quilt, in my old green chair, strapping back on my hospital-issue abdominal binder that was now too big to serve it purpose, gulping down ibuprofens like they were altoids....smiling politely at the well meaning people's suggestions of yoga classes, core conditioning videotapes, expensive herbs, but knowing it would just take time--more time than *so-and-so* took to feel grrrrr-eat again. More time than the books said. More time than the doctor said (Ha!). More time than I would have ever, ever agreed to do an elective cesarean in hindsight than. MY time. and then, it happened. Slooooooooooooowly. So, so slowly.
What happened? I began to feel that the things I would do that were strenuous in some way, went from damaging to strengthening. Finally! Finally! Finally! (This was NOT, however, some cutesy little mind-over-matter thing. I tried all that. It landed me in the green chair, belly stinging, guts falling down and out, hobbled and defeated. again and again.) It just took many, many months. But now, when I walk far, when I carry stuff, when I adjust my posture before lifting double jogging strollers over my head and into the back of the giant van, I feel like a mom, a mighty woman, an athlete, lifting weights. Fibers lining up, not shredding. Its very cool.
I kind of know why my recovery has been so slow, and some of it is a mystery, why I had such a hard time when others just do not. I had five full term babies, three of them 9ish pounds, one 11, and one 12. With three c sections in a little under 8 years, and not one single solitary "getting back in shape" episode. Nope, not one. I also was never able to obtain that elusive babymoon or get all that help they recommend in the pamphlets, so that hurt, too.

I was kind of in shape , I suppose, when all this started, back when I was a slim newlywed of 21...and now...well I hope my fun hair and cheerful face can draw the eye upward! I love what my body has done, i am amazed by it all, but in the light of the bathroom mirror, the only thing recognizable is...well...the fun hair and the cheerful face. 36C and field hockey legs are a vague, vague, v a g u e memory. I don't worry too much about it, it slams into my feminism too hard. Sometimes I dream of buying brand new tiny boobies (or even medium and facing forward?) and seeing this bizzaro "stomach" land in the plastic surgeon's wastebasket, but the thoughts of surgery do not consume me. I have written about this before, and it is shelved for now.
Well, my tea is cold and my meter is running out. I will definitely be back here, enjoy the unseasonably hot weather, any and all of you whom this will effect in the upcoming days!
Lovingly,
HouseFairy

We actually went to a mall! Very strange, but actually turned out fun

2009-04-22T14:04:00.005-04:00

Eska was crying but when she saw the camera she grinned!

Sitting for a moment

Mandarin Duck in the nature store

Some $1200 Log couch that was so cool even tho it was so ridiculously priced

We spent 95% of our time in a nature/outdoorsy superstore. This is Casey in front of a fish that is in an enormous aquarium! So cool!

Exhausted but in a good way, once we got home. Eska was unusually fussy at the mall...she has never been to one and didnt appreciate it. Didnt care about the fishies or the ducks or any of it. She wants to nurse and crawl around the living room, thank you very much. All other activities have become suspect, even our old haunts such as the library. she bucks in the sling like its crushing her, so I take her out and she bucks in my arms like she wants to go on the floor then if I do or can put her on the floor, she cries to be picked up. Then if I pick her up, she bucks and twists so hard to get down that i have sore aching hands and wrists....so the safety of the living room floor with the 2 baby gates and the familiar toys might be where its at right now, mostly. She also only likes the stroller if I can walk very fast, non stop. Thats ok!

We actually went to a mall! We never ever do that. We had ONE dollar and we decided to spend it on a McDonalds drink to share. More on that later...but heres a few pics!

Boys

2009-04-15T12:56:00.002-04:00

Love her blog, loved this post, gonna go check that book out tonight, the excerpt really is in line with where I am and what I am dealing with (not very well always, but Lord Im tryin')

Perfect timing for me!
Off to the nature center, its about 50 degrees! Woohoo!

Lots o kids, sore subject, brain not ready to debate yet though

2009-04-14T22:23:00.004-04:00

I have flat out refused to talk about OctoMom. I have flat out refused to talk about The Duggars. I just havnt had the oomph, the rhetorical skills or the strength of heart in over a year now (will my brain EVER come back? Ever?) to really pump out the great posts....but this does a great job and I yelled "YES!" aloud tonight so heres a link to a great post that is right in line with my thoughts.

(I DO have drafts about family size and stuff...but Im still too--I dunno--not ready for this subject, not strong enough to hear the real ugly stuff....there was an article in the New York Times website that had HUNDREDS of people talking about how disgusting "large families" were--and the divide was almost exclusively religious folk who "let God decide" and single professionals who think no kids or maybe one is more than enough....the whole thing, the comments, were so so so ugly and hateful and extreme and it hit me hard, I was surprised at the voracity of the comments and I felt utterly unable to come up with anything cool or bold or different to say and hat scared me, what was wrong with my brain, where did Soapbox Joy go and who is this cowering crybaby? etc....anyhow....comment or not.....g'nite)

ps I currently have someone in my life who seems to really really insist that we talk about "Octo-Mom" every time we speak and the conversation is rife with not very subtle insults about the horrible people who want more than 2 kids and I am just grrrrrrrrrrrrr tired of it all.

Coolest Comic yet!

2009-04-13T14:01:00.002-04:00

CONGRATULATIONS to Hathor The Cow Goddess, aka Mama-Is,onhernewbaby and on this just wonderful wonderful pictorial comicbook version of her birth of her baby #4!

I love to draw, can express myself better through simple drawings better than writing, and so have always appreciated her adorable insightful mothering comics she does so well.

Girl.Boy.Boy.Boy.Girl.

2009-04-11T06:47:00.006-04:00

My children are all QUITE different. In personality, likes and dislikes, attitudes, development, all of it. But there are still--ahem--boys and girls. Mind you, I knew it all about gender roles and all that when I was a 20 year old college student. Of course I did. Bad parents bought their girls barbie and their boys swords and if I just don't do that and hey maybe for good measure swap out some "he" for "She" in the old fairy tales, save a few Princes along with Princesses and buy primary colored clothing and bikes and bedding then voila! A perfectly modern feminist gender neutral child would be created.

Bah!

Now before you get all nervous and squirmy and start clinging defensively to your sons' wooden nesting dolls or your daughters' robo-technics building kit, please know that this is still a well intentioned idea, and that kids now more than ever need and deserve a safe sane environment to get a mental break from the extraordinarily hyper-sexualized, stereotype limited toys and movies that are in the mainstream. SO DONT GIVE UP ! .....just dont be surprised if it doesnt do as much as you may have anticipated.....
I have been hard pressed to find ANY commercials on tv that are for Slinkys, Legos, Playdoh....and the ads I have seen show boys only playing with boys and racing and aggression and girls playing only with girls and collecting and adorning pastel animals....I tried and still do try to not allow any of that yucky gimmicky commercial stuff in the house, and frequently point out to the kids why that stuff is not cool....and I really do think that alot of parents, at least in the younger years, do somehow manage to find their kid stuff like wagons and fingerpaint and bowling sets and teddy bears and nesting blocks, and then the kids really do just show a preference for stuff and if youve got a little gun kid he/she will play powpowpow with an organic banana, right in front of Grandma......and if youve got a lovey dovey nurturer, he/she will cuddle and pretend to breastfeed a can of soup, right in front of everyone in the grocery store, shirt lifted.

And this is what I really wanted to mention---Eska, at ten months old today (Happy Bday angel!) crawls and digs her way through 5 kids' lifetimes of toys collections, and scrounges until she finds anything that resembles a kitty or a baby and just coos and giggles and beams at it--even hugging it, no matter how tattered tiny or old, if she thinks she has found a kitty or a baby or anything with a face on it, she just goes into coo-ey cuddle mode! She stares at it and says "Naaaaa....Naaaaa" and even lays on top of it, smiling.

I havent seen that behavior since.....baby Greta!

Also, the difference between Eska and the boys at that age, but that Greta did, is that she stays by me. The boys seemed hell bent on mobility for the sake of going far away. I can crawl now, BYE BYE! It isnt that she is clingy fearful or shy, its that she is oriented towards people, and really does sit there and hang out with you. She wants to be by you, playing with and examining little dollys (we hardly have any dolls, per se, guess Ill have to get some, but she has found the little felt-folks from our doll house and Lego people and stuffed animals) and chewing them, and coming up to you and patting you and singing little songs "Dadada-Babababa-Mamamamama-Yayayaya" and making proclamations while showing you her little spitty doll "A-Ba!" "A-Ba!".

She does not want to disassemble the VCR, take plug covers out of the sockets, climb the baby gate, pry the door open, or do any type of destruction--ahem--curious hows-it-made stuff. My past three babies (BOYS) sure did. If Eska sees a fine tower of blocks, she doesnt instantly smash it.

And as much as I love and adore my boys, I am not a boy, and dealing with their ways has been a big challenge for me. It is so clear to me now more than ever why boys have so much trouble in elementary school, and how girl oriented the idea of sit still and produce fine-motor-creations to please the nice teacher----that just is all so contrary to everything (my/many) boys are into. When the sitting is torture, the hands arent ready for the writing, and you cant sit still for more than 5 minutes and pleasing the grown up just isnt tops on your list, where is the hope for "success"?

Greta liked nothing more than to color. She would sit with me at like age 18 months until--well, we still do it--and we'd just chat and have a nice little dish of cookies and color and talk. Contrast that with the sweating, disheveled lunatic that being the mother of a boy from age 6 months until--well we still do it---and you find a very humbled psych student who is the proud Mama of 2 girls, three boys, and for whom the real differences are a source of smiles, tears, and a grimace for the know it all that I used to be, but also learning everyday.

I do know some wild, wild, WILD little girls, ones you cant even say Hi to without them bucking out of your arms and up onto the refrigerator. I also know some gentle, people oriented little boys, who really do want to sip the tea and do Beatrix Potter coloring sheets and converse at length. But for my kids, raised by 2 parents and homeschooled with very strict access to tv and movies, there is still a big big difference in how they move, how they play with the exact same toys, and what they do with their mobility skills as they grow. As babies, the girls are quite chilled out, into cute stuff that is cuddly, and seem very oriented towards interacting with me and showing me little things and staying nearby. As babies the boys cried and cried and cried, and I have videotape to prove it,it was an angry cry not a sad plaintive cry, were very into getting far far away, climbing, and touching and breaking every and any thing in the room that was not for them and generally wild and very very difficult to take places due to destruction, running away, and complete inabilty to "get" that "we dont do that here" (Library, Grocery store, etc)

I LOVE my children, I LOVE my boys so so so so so much, please dont get me wrong. They are so hilarious and adorable and life-filled and sparkly and great, they are just so great and so free. But its physical work, and emotional work--the actual keeping of them can be outrageously exhausting, (and remember mine were BIG, big boys, all over 20 pounds by THREE months old -- the size of little rosebud Eska now) and emotionally, its alot of helping them to "get" the social cues that I completely took for granted when raising Greta, the little stuff like thinking about others, and how-do-you-think-that-makes-so-and-so-feel, its just different. I have tried to read those books about raising boys but they creep me out and upset me, seem very anti-wholistic and just seem to hyper scrutinize everything to the point where I get paranoid and fearful and thats when I throw the books down and love my child, just hold them and kiss them in the middle of the living room, in all their dissasembled electronics and their plain pasta and their it hurts when you wash my hair and their refusal to wear chapstick and their legos and their dominos and they are my dear babies, my huge dear babies and maybe none of the other stuff matters. But it is harder than raising girls. so far. for me. For us.

As theyve gotten older, its amazing to see how their babyish ways have changed into very interesting and diverse interests---I look forward to writing about this soon!

Any one out there wish to share their adventures, myths and truths about raising a boy or a girl or many of them? Did you, like me, "know it all" until you actually had one of your own?

I am 34 now!

2009-04-09T11:13:00.002-04:00

Well, last Friday was my birthday and it was completely consumed by our trip to the doctor and specialist, etc. We ate Digiornos in exhausted silence at 8:30pm. I had been gone from noon until 6pm and then right back out to get prescriptions and the pizzas and the other otc medicines from the grocery store....

Saturday was better, even though Steve had to work, when he got home he took the less sick kids out to get me a present--and they got me great ones! A huge box of assorted dark chocolates (YUM DARK CHOCOLATE) and a cord to hook my electric guitar up to my amp. And 8 cool picks to play the guitar with. And new strings to re-string the guitar! SO COOL!

I am not really in a position to be playing guitar right now too much, but the idea that it is there for me makes me feel great. They also baked me a cake and it was really, really good. Darkest chocolate with darkest chocolate frosting. We ate in in a day. I miss it and want it to come back!

The antibiotics are helping the kids alot but they are still weak coughing and cross. It also has been SNOWY so thats normal but rather limits taking the sickies on a little sunny walk.

Soon soon.

The other kids!

2009-04-09T11:06:00.004-04:00

Everyone!

Greta!

Mickey!

Charlie!

Thank you Kneelingwoman for this fun Crayola springtime cookie kit. It really helped the boring boring long day go by!

Updates

2009-04-09T10:50:00.002-04:00

I guess I should blog...

I have like 6 things in "drafts"--not like me. I dont know if my hesitance is some kind of maturing thing where I think before I speak or more insecurity/feeling like my story(ie)s are going to upset or offend, blabla.

Anyhow at least a health update: I took the 3 youngest kids to the doctor last Friday and Charlie and Casey had double ear infections, and Eska had some inconclusive blood work and chest xrays and Casey had "pneumonia sounds a little bit" in his lungs and they are all on Amoxicillin. They started getting better in about a day and a half, meaning going from high pitched crying and hacking and choking all night with Steve and I camped out taking shifts and noone sleeping to just some kids with productive coughs and clear sniffles. Phew.

Where I was already saying that it was going to take alot of time for us to heal from the past years' stresses, now it is going to take even longer. Like, I am not going to bust us all out to some giant daytrip as soon as we are better. We are going to, like, go out in the back yard for 15 minutes. thats how weak and pale and tired and wiped out we are. WHEN it is really summer and we are really partying and diving into pools and covered in strawberries and barbecue sauce, it will be SUCH a victory and wonderful!

I am still in my deep thoughts mode, savoring the moments and reading and such. Letting go of past hurts, learning new ways of living, forgiving myself and my husband for parenting errors and mess ups and trying, so hard, to just look forward and not wallow in regrets and guilt. Sorry to be so shady and mysterious, basically we feel we "used to be so nice and happy and now are so mean and angry" and the time lines of all this nostalgia is vague. It doesnt matter WHEN or WHY life turned really stressful, but we are really really trying to get on top of it all.

I went and visited my old job, the Detroit Curling Club (I was bartender there last year) and even though I felt shy and weird going in there were alot of people who were like "JOY!!!! OMG HI!!!!" and that was so so so cool. I want my job back in the fall and I plan to make it happen somehow. I loved it and this time I wont be pregnant so all the nausea, exhaustion, horrifying smells and guilt about the chips and soda and heavy lifting and so forth would be gone as well! Getting out of the house, talking to adults, driving and listening to NPR, Sonic Youth, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Sports Talk radio, wearing makeup and outfits.....and yeah making money too---so awesome! They better take me back.

Stay healthy....

Baby Eskarina Poppy, 9 1/2 months

2009-04-06T21:41:00.001-04:00

Sniff

2009-04-01T09:13:00.003-04:00

We have been sick for over a week now. Its a bad one, a real long lasting burning harsh hacking cough, dizziness, sore throat for days and days, congestion, exhaustion. Its a lot to take care of all thses sick folks. Charlie is super cross and I am trying trying trying to keep him calm and appeased so he doesnt go into coughing fits and get croupy. He resists the medicine, the drinks, the whole thing. He coughs all night and so does Eska. I am keeping charts of who has had what meds, which helps a lot.

Steve got this first, almost three weeks ago, and I made him go to the doctor who said it was a virus. Then I made him go back about 5 days later when he was much worse and they still said it was a virus. Charlie also had such a bad croup-attack Sunday evening that he went to the afterhours clinic who did prescribe him a steroid for his lungs. My point? This doesnt seem to be an antibiotic thing. Just a miserable cold. Another step backwards in our setting up of routines and healing and getting strong, but so be it.

We are doing what we can to stay amused and calm--we have started watching the Harry Potter movies over again while the little ones are napping (too scary) and doing our best to agree on tv shows or video games. I did get out a couple of night ago to go buy stuff for the pets and it was exhausting. We made some strong chicken garlic soup over the weekend...

Well, thats where Ive been! Its just a part of life, I only wish it wasnt upsetting Charlie so much, poor sweetie. Everyone else seems to be taking it in stride, a few moans and groans and a few crabbby moments....I think its hard to be 3. All of my kids had it kind of rough when they were three years old, a lot of misunderstandings and not "tantrums", but a lot of frustrations and crying/screaming to be perfectly honest.

Be back soon!

I dont wanna go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-27T09:32:00.005-04:00

Poor old blog! Im still here!

Well, we have a cold going around the family, sort of a sore throat that turns into a hacky cough. The bad thing about a big family is that it can take a long long time for something to go through the whole crew---then by the time you are ALL better, a month ? Its time to get sick again! Actually, we have been quite healthy this winter, amazingly so. Quite a change from last year when I was to the point of tears at how we literally didnt get to have a winter whatsoever!

Living across the street from a big park is wonderful, when I do not feel like getting it together to go over there is when I most need it--and the wonderful little froggy rain boots we got the boys from /Target have proved to be indispensable for the omnipresent mud everywhere. I put them in the washing machine and dry them on their sides next to the furnace at night. (They get so muddy, as in, black ooze filling the tops and insides) that a little wipe-down doesnt quite cut it!

The mud is "worth it" for sure, because down in the valley of the park, where obviously, all the water is, there are mallard ducks and sticks to throw and hills to run up and down and it is so joyous to go from bickering over snacks and remotes to running in the sun and watching birds. EVERYtime I feel too tired or whatever to go over there I am always SO glad I did it....until its time to leave!

The little boys have been giving me a run for my money lately. TONS of screaming and defiance and I am trying so hard to be patient, above it all, not taking it personally, but wow. This makes leaving the park, and all the fun times sort of bad. I can warn them about how we have "five minutes left!" and in my heart I know it doesnt matter--when it is time to actually go, all the little single-serving mom and dad "friends" who chatted me up get to now witness the extreme scene. One boy hides, one runs away from me, and/or they scream bloody murder "IM NOT GOING HOME MA-MAAAAAA!!!!!" .....it totally sucks. A million things flash through my head, images of Nanny 911 (television show), trying to not worry about what people think, but grateful for the public keeping me from being "too mean"....embarrassment, worry, annoyance. Do I pull one of those cheesy and idiotic and weird things where I pretend "Im leaving without you?" .....I cant very well go pick them both up and push the stroller, too. I usually just quietly walk away and try not to cry, thinking about where I went wrong and how things didnt ever, ever used to be this way. Ive been practicing deep breathing, waiting a few moments before speaking, etc but its hard. They eventually come but crying like they are being attacked by wolves, I mean, hysterical angry screeching, not boo hoo mommy I love the parky-poo, oh no---its a wonder noone calls the cops on me for stealing little boys, for real.

So yeah, behavior issues have been pretty much all I remember from this week. When kids act that way, the days are long, unrewarding, anxious. Steve gets home today at 1pm and I am completely free to do things that I want to do! I think I will hang some homemade curtains, take pictures for the blog, and sleep. Next weekend is my birthday, April 3rd, and I do NOT want to be sick.

No more mindless!

2009-03-19T15:18:00.004-04:00

I had dinner with Kneelingwoman last night and as always her calm and extremely loving guidance did more for me than a lifetime of "shrinks" ever could! It might amuse you to see my hesitance-verging on skepticism of the idea of a psychologist when that is what I have my degree in! Anyhow, she is a spiritual advisor and boy does the title fit! She gave me a book as a birthday present and it is incredible. Its so easy to get very lost in the sea of self help stuff that I appreciate just being given one plunked into my lap like that! The title is Change your Mind and Your life Will Follow. By Karen Casey. I am not going to say too much about it yet but it certainly is a pleasant and peaceful read, and inspirational and just "feels good".

I am going to start today by being more thoughtful. Although I had a temporary feeling of relief in writing that post about my mistreatment in hospital, I wrote it wildly and blindly and ---yes --even though folks love that side of me---wildness has caused me alot of hurt and regret in my life, too. I am planning on rewriting the post and putting it back up in its original time slot in a few days--if only not to lose all of your wonderfully supportive and heartfelt stories and comments.

I have been contemplative for a while now, like, as a full time vocation ever since fall. So much swirled and twirled in that whole chaos of the new baby and putting the kids in public school, and the settling will take time and I am happy for the reprieve of it all.

My struggles in expressing myself honestly and wholly were part of my discussion last night over dinner, and some small but significant mind set changes are going to help a great deal. I do have FAR too much of my energies set on what others think of me, what others are doing, what others are saying, do they approve? Am I loved today? Will I be loved tomorrow? Is it ok? Is what I am experiencing as happiness actually ok? Its a nightmarish way to live, and the book really gives some great tips on why that is totally not the way to be and to just live and just be and it is very freeing to even read, let alone put into practice. It will take time, and so patience will be something the extremely knee-jerk-Joy will have to learn. (Its funny, because in my mothering, I am patient and thoughtful, I put a great deal of thought into the "big decisions" for my children but also am quick to temper and shout and say "extreme" things....so I wanna get better NOW but it will take time and I think its good for me)

I am excited to follow this wonderful part of my personality "all the way" now--the thing that I used to refer to as optimism, the extremely happy and sweet and kind and innocent and precious part of me, I am going all the way with that now. Its very hard to explain or describe, but I am drawn to certain things that I am now going to persue actively. Perhaps the children will be inspired, but they dont have to be into it with me, and neither does my husband. For me, that is very radical. If they want to, then awesome, but its ok if they dont. Painting and drawing stuff like apples and pears with happy faces on them, making up homemade songs on my electric guitar with no apologies about not knowing the real names of the chords or whatnot, being outside almost every second, being very into birds and trees and no more giving my precious resting time to Comedy Central and ugly negative sitcoms. Do you know how much my worries about being "out of touch" or "a dork" have cost me in terms of sleep? Now, I really couldnt care less! Late night conversations, a great film, reading, writing, sex.....those yes I will lose sleep over. But no more mindless yucky stupid stupid tv. Its so harsh and gross. No more mindless anything!

With that I conclude...and next I will tell you about whats up with the Home School. Its going very wonderfully but nothing like we've ever done before....

9 months old baby, lovely visitors

2009-03-16T07:42:00.003-04:00

Spent a wonderful albeit exhausting (my energy level is still SO low) last few days finally having people over to the new place, and visiting our friends' new baby, etc. My dear brave Mom who has stage 4 cancer and my steadfast Step Dad, my dear sister and her 3 little adorable little ones, and my best friend from high school and her wonderful son, all got to come and spend time in the biggest little house ever. I do not know how this tiny place seems to be so able to house so many guests comfortably, but it does, and I already know I dont want to move and would like to buy this place--yep you heard me--my wanderlust is GONE, something I wasnt sure would ever happen to me in my lifetime. Now dont get me wrong, I still am desperate for travel, but that seething itching desire to "leave my options open" and to job and house search in other states (!!! yes i do this) is just gone--poof--like that. interesting how one place can change you. I like it. Ok huge understatement. I feel an enormous peace, comfort and safety here--perhaps the finding the house was the cherry on top, perhaps it is everything. But I have been on a journey, an unforseen and to be honest, unwanted ride for a while now. I keep joking to everyone that I need to get a T-Shirt that reads "Sorry about 2008".....as if that would cover all of the memory loss, friendships not nurtured, actions not well understood, or anything, really.

So many things have come full circle for me and my family, and this time it is different than just "getting my figure back" (ha!) or "Sleeping through the night" (double ha!). We have been through some stuff. I know I will never be the same. What only a year and a half ago was a cozy surprise, another pregnancy, turned into alot.

But here we are, and the sweet baby is as precious as ever. I wanted to write some big poignant thing about her turning 9 months old a couple of days ago, but really, so many others have done such a beautiful job of that, so, yes, 9 months in the belly and 9 months out in the world, seems significant, yet I cant really bring myself to write anything monumental about that. I am not poetic or nostalgic when it comes to much of anything about my pregnancy with Eska, but believe me when i tell you that miss apricotmoonbaby Eskarina Poppy has brought me nothing but joy and none of what I have been through is her fault, she has just sort of been there with us, through it all. Too many changes, time to rest.

I kept saying that I have been "thinking" since November, and I still am. Maybe not the deep meditation that January with a nursing baby and 2 feet of snow can bring, but still in that phase. The children are d-e-c-o-m-p-r-e-s-s-i-n-g, and knowing that this is best for them is why I am a good mother. Flat out. Some of them show it on the outside, some of them seem "fine". But I know it has all been too much, three houses, a baby, a sectioned mama wildly depressed, lets try public school....wow.

So, heres to a fresh new week, it is supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow and then get cold again, so we will be outside as much as possible, have a great day!

Cool Blog!

2009-03-11T13:54:00.003-04:00

I have been OBSESSED with vintage children's books since way before I was an actual mommy. I have made lampshades from old science texts, decorated my guitar with cut outs of 1940's cats and dick and jane type kids and their gorgeous little outfits....sigh. Give me an old Little Golden Book anyday over really anything and I will be enchanted, entranced, amazed.

Well, someone has a blog with just such leanings but apparantly much more awesome talent and time: Go check it out and pretend that I made it, LOL

Vintage Kids' Books My Kid Loves is the blog.

Someday when my kids are too old for the little books, I will have them all. Hopefully out of 5 kids I will be blessed with even one grandchild....

Petiton to support health coverage for home birth

2009-03-11T08:46:00.004-04:00

I have been personally asked to pass this along, a petition to sign in defense of a woman whose health coverage does not include homebirth midwifery. For so many of us who have been there, this might be right up your alley. There is a lot of sticky-tricky stuff when it comes to midwives being "able to" accept health insurance, etc, which can lead to legislation that might not be favorable to the traditional midwifery model, requiring independant midwives to carry unaffordable liability insurance, etc...but check this out, read it, and sign it or pass it along if you can

They’re planning a support rally for her for the actual appeal hearing, but they want to show that there is national support for this coverage - please sign the below petition and be sure that the SEIU hears your voice!
Petition:
http://www.PetitionOnline.com/newspace/petition.html
***
Contact: Kelly Renn, kelly @ choicesinchildbirth.org 212-867-9646
MEDIA ADVISORY
RALLY OUTSIDE SEIU ON WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18TH
IN SUPPORT OF HEALTH COVERAGE FOR HOME BIRTH
Afternoon Hearing Will Determine Coverage for Union Employee’s Wife; New York State Law Covers But SEIU Rejects
NEW YORK – Choices in Childbirth, a New York City nonprofit that helps women make informed maternity decisions, is holding a rally to support a 3:00 PM hearing for Julie Finefrock. Ms. Finefrock is six months pregnant and medically eligible for a home-birth, which she has chosen for herself and her baby, but for which she has been denied coverage by the Service Employees International Union (SEIU). Ms. Finefrock’s husband is an SEIU employee and she is appealing her denial of coverage.
Under New York state law, Ms. Finefrock would have the benefit of medical insurance coverage, yet SEIU, because it provides a self-insured health policy to its members, has found a loophole to exclude coverage for planned homebirth care via the Employee Retirement Income Support Act (ERISA). This federal law sets minimum standards for retirement and health benefit plans in private industry. Ms. Finefrock is asking SEIU to give her parity with non-union NY State residents and allow her to choose the medical care that evidence has shown is both safer and more economical than hospital birth.
Choices in Childbirth has unfortunately found a growing number of self-insured corporations using this ERISA loophole. It is Choices in Childbirth’s belief that New York State residents deserve equal coverage regardless of their employment situation, and encourages the SEIU to support appropriate maternity care in line with that of New York State law.
WHAT: Rally in support of appeal to the SEIU to cover home births, as New York State law permits
WHERE: Outside SEIU 32BJ, 101 Avenue of the Americas
WHEN: Wednesday, March 18th at 11:30–1:30; hearing is at 3 pm
Choices in Childbirth
At Choices in Childbirth, our mission is to improve maternity care by providing the public, especially childbearing women and their families, with the information necessary to make fully informed decisions relating to how, where, and with whom they will give birth. www.choicesinchildbirth.org

Grass Roots

2009-03-10T16:11:00.004-04:00

My close friend and former Midwife Michelle, aka Kneelingwoman has written a wonderful post over on her blog. It really has me thinking about the state of grass roots movements, and where we are all headed as society. Do some movements, who were "grassroots" originally due to just being too radical or marginal or too small in numbers to be anything BUT very fringe, perhaps in the 60's or whenever, stand to benefit or be harmed ultimately by getting funded, supported or even, popular? My real-life experiences have shown me that, contrary to what my liberal heart would want to answer quickly (Funding! We need more funding! Fund everything! Support the people!) some stuff gets sullied, sanitized, changed, ruined, when it leaves the community level. This might sound and might be elitist, privileged, nit-picky, but it is what i have found to be true.

The real small stuff, the real community-level stuff is where the intrinsic goodness lies. The local midwife who delivered the 3 other ladies at your church's babies is better than the Big Birth Center with all its exciting jacuzzi tubs and hanging ropes. The group of 3 families that you and your kids grew up with is better than the 65 person field trip to the overcrowded cider mill with the homeschool support group you found online. Your 5 girlfriends sitting around nursing your babies, all different ages, talking about the real messy stuff, the real stuff, is better than the Lactation Class at the hospital.

Yes, better than. Better. But what about getting out the good word? What about those who dont have access to, due to financial constraints, social constraints, or bad luck, any of that, and them finding out about Homebirth, Homeschool, Breastfeeding "too late" and feeling so sad and left out--if only they had known, what about them?

I dont know. I guess we need many many grass roots movements. Tons and tons of them, all unique, all different, all serving the needs of their own specific communities, whatever those needs may be. But just broadly professionalizing/sanitizing/standardizing (the worst word of ALL) these things strips them of their very home-y-ness and real-ness and soon you get a midwife who "Isnt allowed to let you eat", or a homeschool group who "doesnt allow younger siblings", or a breastfeeding support group who never heard of anyone nursing triplets, or a kid after age 1 or 3 or nursing two kids when you are pregnant again, or whatever, and no you may not get up and tell us about it because you are not the Lactation Consultant.

Any experiences from any of you who have experienced this phenomenon, (did you have a great KoolAid stand and then when you opened your KoolAid store and chain of stores was there a loss of something intangible? Did your knitting circle get a little too stringent when its membership went from 3 to 75? Is it only natural to want a good thing to get bigger?)

Sometimes someone cooler says it for you

2009-03-09T19:30:00.005-04:00

I just got around to checking out Wikiquote. I like it. Spent alot of the morning poking around in between Emerson and Whitman, my two dear friends. (Does anyone else lay claim to feeling like all kinds of celebs, dead and alive are your friends, dead serious,sometimes better than your real friends in some ways?:))

Wikipedia is genius and now that I found out about Wikiquote I am going to check out all the other Wiki-stuff. So amazing, really, how much is out there....and how much internetting I can do with my laptop! Its not often on my lap, but its on the kitchen counter, couch, bed, here and there, little snippets.

Here are two quotes from dear old R.W. Emerson for today:

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

I give this to all of you as a nudge towards bravery and authenticity in whatever that means to you. As advice and encouragement, from 150 years ago to today and for always.

*I also figured out that this computer has its own little seeing eye camera right in it(creepy/cool) and took this pic whilst sitting here! I cant rave on enough about the Aspire One by Acer. WalMart. 288 bucks. Yes we shop at Walmart.
: )

* * * House Fairy * * *

11 minutes to make a HouseFairy!

March in Michigan...

The truth has been revealed: I am not a hippie.

Cleaning the cottage

On "belly".

My summer vows, should I be blessed enough to live through another 2 seasons

hows homeschool going?

Homeschool, again :)

School!

June

crazy news, but the only sane thing, really.

It was scary and cool, while it lasted.

No Carb Mama...shocked?

I'm Thirty Five!!!!!!

The C word and the F word

Our New House

Heres the hair!

Time for pine green?

cabin fever is a state of mind

Mommy's new drug

an oldy about motherhood

Oldy about socialization

Oldy about food

oldy

sigh

shrink shopping

Still here, still mental

Late October

**pass this along please! **

Monday

Homeschool fall 2009

Its not that I have nothing to say...

Girls Don't Brag.

Bebe Gloton

Carrying Charlie Linden

This is just so, so good.

How did you ever shop before you knew me? ;)

Housefairy is alive

High on it

Hello

tiny update

Free Range

So much has transpired

pop on pop off

Charlotte Mason dreams

Blog, She Wrote

boysie stuff

u.p. homeschooler advocate

Diginity? Why, indeed

brainstorm

diets

Women of size

cool

Cool conversation with male friend link

Happy 9th Birthday Mickey!!!!

six eleven

Wednesday (still not wise but wishing)

ppd update

better day

my baby is 12

Mama's little fix.

Bloody period talk, plenty of TMI: be warned!

Memorial Day weekend

Emerging from underneath the mountain of capitalism's misinformation

What I know Wednesday

Sheepishly retracting previous claim...

34 years of body image

What I know Wednesday

yawn-book; is it just me?

Wise Wednesday (In the vein of wordless Wednesday?)

Wash a day

Fun on a rainy day

Help me find a new camera?

Hot Pink

Our schedule

Take the course, or stay the course, or depends?

Of tea and tubals...

We actually went to a mall! Very strange, but actually turned out fun

Boys

pass this along please!