Saturday, June 12, 2010

June

Happy Birthday, Greta! June 9th, age thirteen! You have taught me that teenagers don't have to be belligerent assholes, just medium aged souls going through hellacious hormones without much wisdom to really get it all...and yet you do. You are the kindest most patient dear human, and I love you so much!

Happy Birthday, Eskarina! June 11th, age two! You are an actual angel princess, the most precious and kind little apricot that was ever created! You take the notion of terrible twos and decimate them with one tilt of your tiny little doll face. Your eensy hand in mine, and the fact that you WANT to hold it, just melts me....I love you so much!

Happy Birthday, Mickey! June 13th, age ten! You are the funniest, most adorable, intuitive sweetheart around. You taught me that all boys aren't yucky, and you have had me wrapped around your little finger since you were born!..how my toddler turned into a 'dude' is truly beyond me, but bless your heart for everything you bring to this family! I love you so much!

So many birthdays, my husband included, he was June 4th, along with my sister. also June 4th! It has been a whirlwind of cake and ice cream and memories both painful and precious, joyful and bittersweet. Last year June was incredibly dark, we were so dirt poor we didn't have batteries for pictures let alone any birthday parties. My mom was dying, fast, and nothing celebratory felt right at all. This June we live out in the country on a truly lovely property, with somehow at least enough money for cakes and such, and yet of course, 2010 has brought the first true round of birthdays where Mom/"Nanny Fran" won't be telephoning. Nor my grandma/"Nanny Nel" either. We lost 1/2 of our family when we lost my mom, because her husband/my step dad hasn't been calling or visiting either. Its a new and unknown territory, this living without a mother. This is June, now. Summer and flowers and how much she loved them all, refusing sunblock and calling to tell me about how burned she got out weeding...

Happy and sad, June. Soon will be the one year anniversay and I am feeling afraid.

6 comments:

Kelley said...

Wow! So much happiness and sadness all rolled up into one month. Please give all your kids hugs from me. I know they don't know me, but I feel I know them from reading your stories for the past 3+ years.

Can you believe our babies are TWO!?!?! I'm still in shock, and yet I'm quite glad that I won't ever have to relive those days 2 years ago. No thank you!

MamaVee said...

Grief just keeps on giving doesn't it? I still find my breath taken away by sudden realizations of something that can't be shared with my grandmother - and she's been gone for four years. But it isn't paralyzing anymore, just bittersweet - happy to be remembering her, sad to not be sharing with her.

May you experience peace as you navigate this new road without your Nannies.

And from your last post - that is so exciting about the school that you have found for your children. To have a school like that near to me would be a dream come true, I'm so happy for you, and I'm sure your children are going to thrive and love it.

hugs and love to you, Avital

Rixa said...

Happy birthdays to all!

Michelle said...

Happy Birthday to all the not-so-littles and littles both. Anniversaries of loss are hard, sometimes they're difficult because we think we "should" feel thus and so, but perhaps it's just a regular old day, or we're angry instead of sad, or we ( usually much later ) actually forget; the day goes right on past and you realize it three days out. Grief has it's own time and dignity; just as in birth ( and life ) there are few absolutes. It does what it does. Be peaceful and easy with yourself as the anniversary approaches. Do whatever feels right to you, including not much of anything, or having an entirely new ritual or remembrance that works for you and all in between. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Corin said...

Wow you all really have a ton of birthdays all at once! Glad to hear that you're enjoying where you're living. Sad to hear that you're feeling sad. But of course, any normal, feeling person would feel just the same.

Aunt Faith said...

found your blog hitting ''next blog'' button....am amazed to find someone else who homebirths and has a large family. my SIL and brother have 5 kids (and 1 on the way) and 4 of the5 have been home-birthed. glad to see they aren't the only ones!