Sunday, May 30, 2010

It was scary and cool, while it lasted.

I was suppossed to get my period on Wednesday. (I got my tubes tied when I had Eska). But it didnt come. It was just like when I was pregnant, pms came and built up and then kind of evaporated. All that was left was fatigue and sore boobs. no more cramps, no more bitchy/edgy. I began joking with Steve that I was expecting. "Twin boys with ADHD!" was my sense of high humor. He looked pale and pretended to laugh.

But, I got to feel like a woman, as I have experienced it to be for all these years. A woman who has lots of sex and then waits for the end of the month to mean one of two things. Two verrry different things. Either I will bleed and feel yucky for a few days, OR....and the or, for me, goes exactly like this, in this order:
Will I have a homebirth?
Could I find a midwife who would support and love me and help me have a VBAC, or more specifically, an HBA3C?
How will we afford her?
Will I get gestational diabetes?
Will I exercise this time and not become a 250 pound huge fat whale of misery and handicap?
How will we afford six kids?
Will people finally be happy for us, since really, with my tubes tied and all, this baby would be considered to be a magic miracle?
With my mom and grandma dead, there is only my in laws to be mean to us this time, would that affect my experience?
Will I have a girl, and my Brady Bunch of 3 boys 3 girls?
What names do we have left over? Posy Annika?
Would my new friends be the ones who finally help us out after the birth?
Will we actually save the money this time for a post partum doula?
Will I have a miscarriage, and would I be devastated?
Would there be whispers of abortion, since after a tubal, the assumption would be that this baby couldnt have been more "unwanted"?
Since I am 35 now, would the baby have a birth defect? Would I get a triple screen test? What would I do with the results?
Would my new high protien low carb diet help me, or would it fly out the window at the first pang of nausea?
Can I sue the doctor for the botched tubal? Did I sign anything before this surgery, and why can't I remember signing anything or being given anything whatsoever ie paperwork or a pamphlet about "your tubal ligation"?
Did my tubal "cause" some of my postpartum depression and pain?
Will Steve be all mad and wierd, and can I deal with that?
Why am I excited to be pregnant, and am I mentally ill or just n-o-r-m-a-l?
Who is gonna sleep where, and when would my due date be, and could I deal with a Pieces child? (yes I love pieces, and I love Aquarians and Aries too, so feb/march/april are all covered, phew!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg, truly. And I bet this giant snowball of thought is all par for the course, every month, for every woman who is fertile, or even pretending to be.

but I am not fertile and I know that. I got my period this morning.

8 comments:

Jill said...

WHEW.

I feel a microscopic version of that panic too whenever thoughts of another baby cross my mind. Thank god hubby and I never have sex anymore.

Housefairy said...

LOL I love you Jill. Well, we have definitly been through times where we were one of those couples who just doesnt have the energy to do it but thankfully that is not the case anymore :)

But yeah. It is WHEW. But it was very amazing how easy it was for me to switch into the MODE, you know, the here we go again ride, that stepping right off the cliff into the unknown tumble that pregnancy is!

Sheridan said...

Yes, I have had moments like that. Just that inkling of "maybe, I might be" then my mind goes racing. What would I do this time? How OLD would I be when this child left home.

Then I find out I am not and for me it is mixed, I am thrilled I am not, but a little sad too.

Kelley said...

Yikes! I don't think I'd have been even that rational if I thought I was pregnant again. I can honestly say that the thought of E.V.E.R. getting pregnant again is enough to make me want to go screaming down the road. I really wouldn't mind another baby, but I simply cannot go through another pregnancy. It's really too bad babies can't be instantaneously delivered by storks instead of grown over 9 painful, miserable months.

Hmmm, as I write this I can see that my ideas of pregnancy are no longer as rosy as they used to be. I wonder why.....

Of course, you and I both know the answer to that!

Michelle said...

Those of us who are menopausal also have those moments when, even after months of NOT bleeding, there is a moment when you feel...something...akin to pregnancy and you think,"No...that can't be, right?...what if all these months I thought I was through menopause only really, I'm a 50 year old pregnant women?" In my situation, with my history, or course, that is not a welcome prospect given the high liklihood of another baby dying of a neuromuscular disorder but I loved being pregnant; it was good, even with the aches and pains, I always enjoyed it.bl

tiddlypeep said...

Would I get a triple screen test? What would I do with the results?

surfing through and saw this :)and I know the feeling. Re: the triple screen, just remember the old adage forewarned is forearmed. It helped us immensely to understand some of the challenges our son would face after he was born. i highly recommend it.

jennifer said...

Wow, I sure did have similar thoughts whenever the real possibility of motherhood sparkled and winked at me. Why can't I manage to savor every moment of motherhood as the magic that I so clearly felt in those moments?

jennifer said...

Wow, I sure have had similar thoughts when the possibility of motherhood sparkled and winked at me. Why can't I remember, in each and every moment with my children, how magical I knew motherhood to be - when it was only yet a possibility?